♥Its all about Sugars and Spices♥

Never seen It coming

2009-12-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

When we never see it coming,
And were blinded by the numbing
When we pretend that things are perfect
But can never seem to swallow our pride
Can’t help but to think what we went threw,
When we’re both imbedded in our lies
Went round from round, till we both got knocked down,
Turned around in the unsteady ground
We swore not to say never, never to be a goodbye
But something got a the best of us
And we sat in water to rust
You sat at home in pride
and I sat at alone and cried

I know you want to hate me
pretend to reshape me
make me feel how you do
When you know I see right threw you
Seems like such a lost cause
When you look around and all you see are the flaws

I need to face you
Make you see what I do,
When love is just a word without the two
makes you feel so low there's no place left to come threw

I wish I could press reset and make me feel brand new
could only press rewind so many times,
Lost in the broken down crimes
Want to pause it but I can't make it remain
Love to hate in this unwanted game

I can't wait to face you
I just want to hold you, touch you, feel you
let those feelings come threw
I am tired of trying to fake through
But there is nothing I can do

I need to face you
Make you see what I do,
When love is just a word without the two
makes you feel so low there's no place left to come threw

Seems so right

2009-12-13T15:41:00.000-08:00

I can remember all those lonely nights, now there’s nothing more than you in my sight
I'm like a fly when it hits the light, so infatuated,
So I surrender, loose the fight

When it feels so wrong that it seems so right
It’s the chill in the air, with the dark moon light.
It’s just something about you that makes me feel the way I do
Or the fact it’s just all brand new.

It’s like one of those things that just fell in place
When you’re not looking for something and you find you’re ace
It’s like you got me partaking
Every rule you got me breaking,
It’s the choice that I'm forsaking

When it feels so wrong that it seems so right
It’s the chill in the air, with the dark moon light.
It’s just something about you that makes me feel the way I do
Or the fact it’s just all brand new.

Never was searching for someone to take me out at night
Nor am ‘I the same girl that I was before
I gave so much and never asked for more
Not sure where this thing we got will go,
I've been hurt too many times,
Can you see? Does it show?

When it feels so wrong that it seems so right
It’s the chill in the air, with the dark moon light.
It’s just something about you that makes me feel the way I do
Or the fact it’s just all brand new.

When you’re minds somewhere else, not in the right place
When I know I'm in the wrong, and it was just a mistake
Here we are once again, wanting it all, without any retakes.

When it feels so wrong that it seems so right
It’s the chill in the air, with the dark moon light.
It’s just something about you that makes me feel the way I do
Or the fact it’s just all brand new.

Ive Been

2009-10-30T11:59:00.001-07:00

I’ve been holding on to nothing at all, I seem so weak,
Broken down by crumbling walls beyond my reach
Think I had it all but a sense of disbelieve.
Just one shot and I’m gone, call it my defeat.
Forgotten memories haunts me while I sleep,
With the intent to break me down, no chance to retreat.
Different faces, certain glances infected me

I’ve been stumbling down, when you’re not around, let the walls hold me
Falling apart, broken down, watch me bleed out,
I'm trapped with choice of in or out
Damage is done; moment is passed, no way of taking it back

Hit the bottle, toxic measures makes me feel free
Controlling factors, certain lessons are suppose to be
I've been moving around always going down and yet all I see
Is the different places, familiar face, surrounded me
The Darkness falls that brings along the feel for relief.
Stuck in a whole, no way out, not prepared to speak.
Wanting it all, spinning around, till I feel heat

I’ve been stumbling down, when you’re not around, let these walls hold me
Falling apart, broken down, watch me bleed out,
I'm trapped with choice of in or out
Damage is done; moment is passed no way of looking back

Strangers making moments, can feel so wrong but seem so right
When no ones around and I'm all alone its show on me
Unwritten words covers the my skin which I don’t want too see
Twiddling shadows, the senseless hours complete the night
Got lost in the moment, go lost with the new

I’ve been stumbling down, when you’re not around, let these walls hold me
Falling apart, broken down, watch me bleed out,
I'm trapped with choice of in or out
Damage is done; moment is passed no way of looking back

I’m holding on to nothing at all, its feels so weak,
Been broken down by crumbling walls beyond my reach

Written by Heather Keogh

Never Changing

2009-06-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

I'd whispered I was getting tired,
But this look in my eyes,
feels like ,more like goodbye.
So I'll Hold onto my secrets for one more night.
Don't need to know , I'm ok with the silence
You said things would change, but nothings has nor ever will.
It's truth that I don't want to feel, when my world stands still.

Hiding regrets in my smile
There's a storm passing threw, I've seen it coming for awhile
So I just hold on for one more night,
Won't say a word, I'm used to you being preoccupied anyways.
But this truth Im holding onto is gonna change everything.

Can you lie to me and tell me that it's all gonna change
Can you lie to me and tell me, I wont feel so alone even when your in the same room
I can wait a while before you tear me apart,

When the feelings creep back, as this light shines threw,
You Can see the cracks, you can see right threw
Let it be dark for one more night. When you wake up I wont be insight.
I Won't say a word, I'm used to you being preoccupied anyways.
But this truth Im holding onto is gonna change in every way

Can you lie to me and tell me that it's all gonna change
Can you lie to me and tell me that I wont feel alone,
I can wait a while before you tear me apart,

I Don't believe in happy endings
So shall we stop pretending?
Tomorrow's all wrong if I don't walk away

Can you lie to me and tell me that it's all gonna change
Can you lie to me and tell me that I wont feel alone,
I can wait a while before I tear us apart,

2009-02-05T16:13:00.000-08:00

Lately Ive been thinking on what can make you happy ...I mean really truly happy. ? It could be something someone said. Something that is not living, living, a thought, a memory, a moment, a action, a reflection, a past, the future, a eventful motion, most of all what makes you happy,? Not just a smile, I mean where at that particular moment you feel like its the best feeling in the world and you never would trade it for second. ( I dont mean something you bought. ) Material things can not make you happy, sure it can for the time being, but sorry it gets old. Unless its like a heart , lol a biotic heart, so it keeps you alive...LOL What Im getting down to is what makes you feel so incredible that you never want to let go of that moment

Here's what I think..how I feel what Happiness can do your soul.... !

Happiness is the look you get from just a smile.
Happiness is the feeling of accomplishment.
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
Would you know when to let it in?

Happiness could feel like sorrow
something more than you can explain and even more you want to explore.
Let it be, you can't make it, let it come or go
But when your gone, its gone, done for good,

Happiness is like lighting hitting on my headboard
the feeling of ones embrace you lead on.
So careful, light your fuse and get away
‘Cause your happiness can throw a few sparks

Happiness can either break you or make you
Breaks your beliefs throws our pieces to the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a can be bomb to your sorrow

Happiness is like the young flower, give it sometime and it still gets old.
Happiness can be smell from a past you lived before, but yet it could smother you like mold
Then one day, you, wake up and find yourself missing home

Imperfectly

2009-01-18T12:12:00.000-08:00

I've cried over a thousand times
Is there anything I can say here to dry these eyes?
Make it better if I could, just need to realize
I cry , when you cry, I hurt when you hurt
I make mistakes and I cant turn back my time.

Forgive me (I'm only human)
Release me ( Help me find ......)
Save me from myself (I'm no super woman)
Embrace me (I'm fragile and broken)

I'm imperfectly human
Can't always walk the dotted line.
I'm imperfectly human
I struggle to survive

Looking in this glass mirror and a stranger's looking back
What are you afraid of, girl? The unknown future or the past?
Cant see the real me when you're hiding and you bleed too fast.

I'm imperfectly human
Can't always walk the dotted line.
I'm imperfectly human
I struggle to survive

What tears us apart is what brings it together
Everything that makes it different really brings it closer

I'm imperfectly human
I just might cry at night
I'm imperfectly human
Think I have it together but never see the real insights.

Change

2009-01-07T21:00:00.000-08:00

So Maybe the world doesn't see you and maybe they can't understand
You don't always see the footprints , though it doesn't mean you can't feel the sand
Perhaps your grounded by strangers
So it seems so alone and carried by pain
But when everyone stands in the darkness everyone looks to blame
Now everyone has a story and each of them never ends the same.
Too live for the days where nothing seems to be worth meaning
And you want to give up your purpose

When your face to face, eye to eye
with the choices that have got you blinded.
Sometimes its the start of a new beginning that comes formed and just one sided.
Now we all live in that fear of when that day comes when these memories are all we have.
So that fire which burns is natural and it keeps you warm when its cold.

Now all I wanna do is laugh again and see that same joy in my mind
Trying to keep on smiling but everything passes with time.

Blank

2009-01-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

I've been alone for many nights now
And I've been waiting for my stars to fall

I keep holding on for what, I don't know
So here I am, staring at the moonlight
Wondering what your feeling,
How you see things.
Maybe you're somewhere thinking of me
Just to be with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do

And I can't imagine being two worlds apart,
They would have to Come together eventually
And when they finally meet I'll know, what feels right.
I'll be at the end of my restless road
Just to be held by you Could you ever let go?
What I wouldn't give to feel that way

And when you're standing here in front of me
Alone by my side
You take me where I've never been
Help me find my feet again
Show me that good things come to those who wait
Tell me I'm not on my own
Tell me you don't want to be alone
Tell me what I'm feeling isn't some mistake

Save me from myself,
Cause it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight we would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend

When you look at me
Can you Tell me, what do you see?
Cause you're everything that brought me there, brought me here

Only you can take me sailing in those deepest eyes
Bring me to my knees and make me cry

This is where it all begins
So tell me it will never end
I can't fool myself, it's you and no one else

Is this All

2009-01-07T20:28:00.000-08:00

I hang up the phone
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside
It was a rush, what a rush
Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same
It's just too much,

Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever do is think about you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just have to know

Do you ever think about me?
When you're all alone
And Where this thing could go ?
Am I crazy or just falling in love
Is it real or just another lush?
Do you find yourself and have to catch your breath
When I look at you ?
Feel like you must hold back
The way I do

Do I ever crossed your mind ?
When were hanging out , spending time
That we're more than just friends
Is this all, or is this where it all begins?

......

2008-11-30T16:31:00.000-08:00

I'm a little used to being outside in the rain
I wont see you tonight so I can keep from going insane
Can't seem to find the words , so I spell it out in vein.

I've been fabulous through I often want to run away
Gave so much that not too sure where to turn, seems to me you think this is just a game.

Cause it's hard for me to lose out in something else
In my life I've found only time can see the truth
And it's hard for me to lose in my life
I've found outside your skin's right near the fire
When the minutes feel like the clock goes by the hour.

I'm a little used to wandering outside the rain
You can leave me tomorrow if it suits you just the same
But I know enough, I need someone who wants feel the same.

Best thing to do.

2008-11-07T16:46:00.000-08:00

Can't let me regret when I say this
Its just something I can't let go without it being missed
Could it be better to keep my mouth shut??
Thats something in my new making.
So I Call, what can go really go wrong.??
Left here alone with just this song.

Maybe I would have been something you could appreciate
Maybe you would have been something great
Now we'll never know
No reason to be sad
But in this case, spent too many lonely nights.
Everyday, hoping to feel your in-brace
No chance that I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
But I still think it's for the better if;
You take your time coming home
Think that's for the best

So I Call, what can go really go wrong.??
Left here alone with just this song.

Maybe I would have been something you could appreciate
Maybe you would have been something I could Tolerate
I guess we'll never know......

How did we??...

2008-10-25T16:52:00.000-07:00

You used to hold my hand while we walked down the street, now you just stay way too far from me.
You used to talked with me late at night. Now you just fall right to sleep.
Could always make you laugh with all the lame things I did
Now all you do is look at me with that ugly look you give.

When the fling has gone, and the spark is out......
When the the smiles are gone and there's nothing left but doubt
The silent ways turns into screams and I'm pounder just one thing. .....

How did we get this way?
How can we just move on?
How do you feel at the end of the day when it seems that everything we had is gone??
Is it cause you want to be free? That we rather not be?
Normally I'm can leave and not let it dazzle me.
Knowing Our forever will never be

When love we had was so sweet and brand new
You used to undress me with your bright loved filled eyes
Now you can't bother to touch me and you tell me it's too late.

You said some things that you can never take back
It's like we're on the opposite side and love is what we lack
We opened up the can of worms, cause everything wiggles out of place.

Now should we stay together cause we're scared to be alone?
I got so used to this loud substance, it kind of feels like home
The Loneliness feels like the comfort of someone's warm embrace.
Knowing that our forever will never be the case.

No air.

2008-10-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you had everything you ever wanted but come to realize you really dont have anything at all.??? That you cover up emotions, thoughts , pain , regret, hurt and most of all your lonesomeness. That you're stuck somewhere feeling like you're invisible, treated good but not good enough???. When you stop and think about generation after generation, what a person goes threw in a lifetime, relationships, heart ache the conquer, the ups and downs , smiles and frowns, chances are nothing has change. We're just living in a more colourful world, more hate less emotion toward each other some not caring about anything but them self's. I yet to feel truly happiness, within myself and to be honest who Im dating. I think everything is good and ok.But when I really come to think about it, the things that don't happen, that lack in our relationship really do mean a lot me. I rack my mind on how I can change it, but really who Iam I kidding and better yet why should I try and change someone that isn't right for me??! Habits are hard to break, mind set ways, its like an out going cycle we will never accomplish. Not at all saying that we cant change. Cause we certainly can make a 360° degree change and make it for the better nor the worse for that matter. Feels like Im stuck in a middle of a pool barely swimming yet have enough to keep my head up for air.............

A number just a number??? OR is it????

2008-10-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

Ive been weighing out the good and bad of this years bday. Yes folks my 24 year old days are OVER. New check box here I come. So far there hasnt been too much good, but other than meh It's just a number. When I was younger I thought Oh wow by 25 Ill be married perhaps, nice job, nice home, never having to worry about cash flow etc. NOT. Im not married, I have a ok job but dirty job, I rent and I pretty much live pay check to pay check. Who was I kidding. ?? Can't say my accomplishments have been great nor that Im proud. 5 more years and Ill be 30, to me that sounds like its coming too fast and Im scattered to think I can improve and actually accomplish something inspiring ..! In a deeper thought I know I went threw a lot as a young teen, had no self worth, and no condifence. Now I think back now and think what dumb ass I was and what and whom I took for granted!! I do the minding think of the "IF ONLY" I did this and that etc etc..... Nether the less, I turned out ok, aka- I could of done a lot better. !! I just hope the next 5 years are better and more productive.

Another lost on the 5th

2008-10-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

Got some really bad news today, my mimi passed away. I was in shock when my mom told me.
October 5th the same day my grandmother passed away 2 years exactly.!!! My mimi was a wonderful lady, going to miss her greatly!! :(
So strange how death is something we barely talk about, and yet it happens every day , hours, minutes and seconds.
Brings family either closer and sometimes further away to each other. Everyone takes death differently, some cry alone, close up, never stop crying, some dont show any emotion at all. Always wonder what a person goes threw within the seconds they are going to pass. Do they feel pain? Is it scary or just so natural that death has no emotion at all???? I suppose its all in how we die? I can honestly say Im not afraid to die. Not that I want too anytime soon but I know one day (hopefully a long time from now) I will go. It's amazing how we tend to take what we have such as relationships we have with others for granted. How seeing someone everyday can be taken from us within seconds.
I still remember the feeling when I found the news that my grams passed. It was like my whole world stooped and I stood there speechless not being able to breath cry yet alone blink.
I was really close to her. When my papa passed about ten or so years ago now, I was really sad as well, but I was kinda young so it didnt have such a great in packed on me. Its strange how some people are harder to accept then others when someone you know passes.

I wrote a poem for my grandma and posted it

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Early October

check it out. My grandmother diied October 5th 2006.
and her mother dies October 5th 2008

A New Come Back??

2008-10-06T02:05:00.000-07:00

So I notice that its been awhile since my last blog post...Oh wow JUNE? Im slacking hugely..Although not like people actually read em. Meh, life goes on, expect nothing and receive more . Oh boy Oh boy where to start. Since now its OCTOBER already. Yes, I say it OCTOBER! Where had this year gone? Since when getting older has added the lack of acknowledgment to time and it passing us bye. In fact I notice more so now that even in my day which goes by fast, I barely have time to do rather quick "" On my to do List"" which happens never to get done. LOL. Which if it does happen to magically successively get done, its been sitting there waiting to get accomplished! So like most things I'll ramble on do a few blogs here and there ( to make myself believe )that I have the motivation to actually do something on a more day to day time slot. Summer went bye too fact, and winter is coming near which Im not looking forward to it what so ever. Cold, wet, windy, hits your bones which reminds you how old your getting. LOL.
Yes, this year 25!!!!! Since when a number can mean so much shall I make a no deal or deal with my age? Think I may have to do something outrageously cleaver this year. Not sure what that will be yet, but definitely keep you posted!
Summer was alright though, did some camping, lots of beer drinking, low key nights had some life changing rearrangements so do speak was certainly fun, exciting, and worth it all. AH summer, what a beautiful thing. :)

One life One love

2008-06-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

This is what I have for you
My love of my life...
looking back at my life as I lay in my bed.
I would never imagined myself to be so blessed
Someone I could love forever
Beyond and beside
You’re the first thing I think of when my day begins
And the last thing I think of when I fall asleep at night

And I won't hesitate to call you the one, love of my dreams
Cause when I need you, you’re just a phone call away
And your beautiful smile washes all my worries away
When I’m not with you I miss you ,cant wait to see you again
And how much you soothe my soul with a simple touch
You will never know just how much you mean to me
But I got the rest of my life just to help you see
I've only got one life, I can never have two
But as long as I’m alive, I wanna spend it with you

When I'm in your arms and I close my eyes
I wouldn’t care if the whole world just pass me by
Cause I live to make you happy, just to see you smile
Just to make you laugh, I love your style
Those late afternoons together when the sun just sets
To those early morning talks, you are the best
I’m so amazed at your sight, I ask questions too
Like how could a girl like me, deserve a guy like you

I feel so blessed but at the same time so unworthy
I trust you with my heart I know you won't hurt me
Everything about you is perfect, I love your lips
I love your smile, I cherish every hug and kiss

You’re my hope when I’m helpless, when its dark you’re the light
I gave you all that I had, and that is my love of my life
You’re so rare, sweet, cute, and loving too
I’m so privileged, just to call you boo
I would drop anything just to spend a second with you
I’ll be right here with you even if times get rough
Cause to me always you’re the definition of love
You won the key to my heart, only you can get in

I would do anything for you cause you’re so worth it
Looks are great but the personality so perfect
You’re my perfect match, my soul mate, my best friend
You’re my infinity, on a scale of 1-10
I mean every word that I say, just look in my eyes
The love that we share was never made to die
I just wanna make you happy, maybe that’s my goal
I’ll forever love you with all my heart and soul
Forever.
Someone I could love forever

I guess there is such a thing called HOPE

2008-06-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

So recently things have been going pretty good. Work has been good. Although working full time has been great, I find myself more tired and counting on my days off. Suppose that is life though.
Money has been a lil tight , though I havent seen my full time check yet, so hopefully that will help:) Summer is FINALLY here and the weather has been great. Has rained a lot though but hot enough to wear my summer gear!!! I love the hot weather. Excited to do some summer things like camping and maybe some weekend trips. Rod and I have been doing great. I have some really life changing decisions to make. Funny how things come up when one has too many alcohol drinks! LOL. Last sunday him and I went to a mutual friend of ours, spent time drinking hangin out in their hot tub and what not. On our adventure back to my place, a lil tipsy on our bikes we had a real good conversation. Talked about moving in together!!! Yes, HUGE decision on my behave more so. I never had a room-mate nor ever lived with a boyfriend. Sure there's been times where ex bf's spent more time at my place then they did at their house but the point being we still had our own space and lived separately. Im really considering this option. Been thinking a lot about it, and making sure it's what I want right now. I would be giving a lot up, at least for me personally. Im not used to sharing " my time" so do speak, having someone live with me is something I dont even know I can do well. Though Im willing to see how it goes. With Rod its a hell of a lot different than any of my other bf's I had and have ever thought about us living together. I was really surprised when Rod said that he was ready and willing to move in. I want to make sure that it's something I really want to do though. So Im still taking the time and thinking/sorting things out. Though I do really want to know if him and I can live together without killing each other.LOL. I find myself now missing him when he is not in bed with me. This weekend was the test , I went out and he went home, I had to work the weekend so he didnt come over till sunday night. So therefore I spent Saturday night lying in bed alone I must admit was really strange. Woke up Sunday, I forgot he wasnt there. He has been spending the past week and half or so strictly at my place. Sleeping over EVER single night. Can honestly say we've never done that. I've been loving the time he's been spending here. Waking up to him every morning is something I can see myself doing!! He's great to me, we get along, love his company, going out with him even just spending a night in bed watching movies is something I've gotten use to. With that being said, I plan on going this week and getting him a key made. I dont know when we plan on actually moving in together but I pretty much made the decision that this is what I want. I really don't know if Rod is truly ready, I just hope he's not saying thinking that is what I want. I would be ok with it if he just wanted to take sometime and spend a bit alone in his own place. I know he's been thinking of moving out of Lino's and getting something of his own. Although I dont want him to feel pressured to move in. But Im pretty sure for my next blog I will have more news if not a huge blog written up..LOL..Till next time,

Friendships and all the Drama that goes with it...

2008-05-30T16:19:00.001-07:00

Recently have been thinking a lot of my relationships with my friends. Seems like as we grow older, become more successful, personal love relationships become tighter, long hours at work, family struggles, and whatever else life throws at us- we tend to loose that great bond we all once had with our close friends. More and More you feel replaced, unappreciated, less important and frankly non-existent. Why is that? Why do we feel the need to replace lifes most treasures out the window when something we think that is new and more exciting. Sure we do have to separate our time and the way we use that time to good use, but why is it that some people dont make anytime at all? When before all the great jobs, the men/girls , life style changes, etc that even if there was something that we had to do, our friends came almost 1st and was almost most important relationship we had going on in our lives. That threw the hard times and good, our friends were always there for us getting us threw it. Sadly enough a lot of friendship don't survive just because we take them for granted and think that just canceling plans, not bothering to catch up, nor evening spending time together comes rarer and rarer.A lot of friendships are damaged by romantic relationships. I have a few friends that once they get a bf, I come less and less important and are only good enough when things are falling apart. We've all done it, canceled out on a good friend just to spend time with a new lover. Which is perfectly normal and its a fact of life. But when does canceling become too much? That spending time together is only going to happen when there's a fight, or the lover is doing something else that is when they decide that the friendship is important. Has anyone ever heard of balance? It's do-able to be in a romantic relationship, work full time, do whatever else that has to be done, and still be able to make quality with a friend. But I can guarantee that if they lost their job, had a fallin out with a lover, that you're the first person they call to get help from. Sure thats great, thats what friends are for, but its not the only thing they are good for. Romantic relationships come and go can always be replaced, jobs and careers can always be changed too, but good friends, are really hard to find when you have one. My love relationship is very important to me, but is it really worth loosing a good friend over when they we're there first? Not talking about marriage and family either. Just talking about every day dating. That is not a 100% guarantee that its going to even be long -term or not. Why do we feel the need to push away that at one time was most treasured thing in our lives with something that is not a sure thing if it will be there tomorrow or not. Friendships are the most important thing to have, we all need friends, even when your 60 friends are great to have. Although if you replace them with things that could change within hours, minutes and seconds you may just turn around one day seeking out their friendship and it will not be there. And do you really blame them?

One Pitcher, Two Pitchers, Three Pitchers of Beer

2008-05-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

Well well, been awhile since my last update on this thing. Hurray hurraw! Things are looking a lot better. Went to New York had an absolutely fantastic time! Shopped, walked like I was on a marathon! Ate like no tomorrow, and never Drank so many times in a row!! I want to go there again, and Im so planing on it! Just wanted to get my New York update before I continued on. Work is going well, full time term for the summer, every other weekend off. Very Nice, smiles from ear to ear about that one! So this weekend was pretty LOW KEY, went out on Friday but thats pretty much it. Sunday was a while other day plan. LOL. Rod and I went out to a local pub we like to go to , hang out, drink beer, perhaps watch a game there. So with that all being said, we ended walking there, and walking home. Was a nice night out, and Im enjoyin EVERY minute of it!! So, we get there, we had a pitcher watched the game. Was nice to relax, chat a bit, blah blah.. Well one pitcher turned into TWO and Two turned into THREE!! Yes, we we're a lil buzzing..LOL. So as we ALL know when you start drinking, conversations that you don't usually have start, mind ya ALL THE TRUTH!! LOL. With that being said, we ended up talking about us, and some of the future stuff.. Alcohol can be a killer OR a nice deal breaker!! But this was a good convo, consider we never really talk about things like that. Moving in together, kids, marriage, past sex partners, lol (Yes I covered that one) I thought Hell, If Im going to be with this guy, I want to know that he was a normal guy and he wasnt sticking he's dick in everything and everyone! Number was normal, no freakadee shit, and not too many one night stands..Well all great check marks around,..LOL thank-goodness he didnt ask mine!! LOL..I kid I kid, my number isnt really that high. Well, at least I dont think so. Although I kinda wish we weren't drunk for this talk, but MEH I found out he's more into me than what I assumed. That he is in it for the long hall, and pretty much ready to settle down. Kinda got the picture he was just waiting for me, and How I felt about the whole future issue. I was honest though, mentioning sure I want too,, but not right at this point. He already knew that, but when the time comes it comes. I dont want to rush into anything, want to let it happen,.For me its a huge step considering I never had really lived with anyone. Sure I had past bf's stay over etc, but its different when you both have a place to crash separately! But than again when I think bout it, if just say in a month from now he asked me to marry him I really would say yes. Im not one of those girls who has a mission to get married and have kids. But if it happens, it happens. Im happy where Im at. Have a great boyfriend., kinda already consider us together together, dont need a ring to show it. Ill be honest sure I thought about what I want in my own wedding. Where it would be, how many ppl, the kind of dress, but at the same time its a huge life change for me. Im use to taking care of myself, doing everything alone. Living alone than living with someone takes time to adjust. But Im more than willing to take that change and make it out to be the best. Just thankful that I have to a great guy to do that with. Who knows what will happen but at this moment Im enjoying where Im at with him, we get along great, we think of each other, there is no self thought, we're too busy trying to make each other happy..LOL..that we forget about ourselves. Never really had that before. I give in and he always gives back more. We dont fight, which is great. Im sure in time we will, but I really dont think that it would ever be huge. Its been over a year, and we've had some problems here and there, nothing major or threating to our relationship at all, kinda made us stronger if you ask me. I can say that all I want is for him and I to be happy, I want to make him happy and would do almost anything for him.

Ups and Downs, Smiles And Frowns.

2008-05-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

So its been awhile since I wrote anything on here. SORRY..Been out of it , nothing really to share Well, there is, but I'd rather not talk about it on here. So., with that being said, Im goin to NEW YORK tomorrow. I leave at like 1pm, I should be SO EXCITED to go, I know I know. I'am , but I just have so much on my mind right now it's hard to concentrate on the trip. See the thing is, my boyfriend and I (well this is only the way I feel) arent doing too well. I feel like we are just falling into a routine, the way we spend time, have sex, even how we communicate. Plus I found something(s)on my computer the other day, that for some reason I cant seem to get over. Not too sure if he was even on those sites (dating/single sites) He says no, but I just cant get pass it. Plus He has a friend that just recently ended a relationship and he seems to be seeking out a partner in crime to pick up women. Guess what, my bf is the one he is seeking too. I know I shouldnt be worried, but thats all I tend to think when and if he does go out with him. That he is picking up along with his friend or at least having interest(s) in other women. I have such a hard time trusting seems like its more of a hassle being in a relationship, I cause more harm then good. All Ive been doing to rethinking on what he'll be doing while Im out of town. He's buddy is all about picking up and pretty much getting laid. It's hard not to think about what situations he'll be in and if he can actually say no, and be actually thinking of me. He's not very open to me at all, though I will admit he has been a lot better since I talked to him on my feelings. Why do I feel like he is hiding something, that I can be easily replaced, I'm not afraid of commitment but I'm afraid that someone can't be completely committed to me. Lately (these past few months) I've been thinking of taking a break, and maybe not being in relationship possibly that will help me get over my trust issues. I think maybe when I got out of mine 2 and half year and then some relationship with my ex really FUCKED me over. Maybe I didn't take enough time to be alone and have sometime to myself. Though a second part of me feels that he is serious about me, and he wouldnt do anything like . That is it just my OWN insecurities just getting the best of me.
I don't want the world, I just want to feel like I'm important, needed, and wanted. Rather than just being there for he's lonely times. When he does come over, seems like all he does is SLEEP. Even with the sex, seems like I have to start it, and even than, he seems like he's not there. There other night we had a little mess up with him being able to (the best way to put it) perform. Got me thinking way too much!! Like is he if attracted to me?Im not sexy enough? That Im not even remotely cute enough for him to keep it up????..Made me feel like crap when that happen, and its not even the first time that this has happen. Of course We we're drinking a bit, and when I realized that he lost it, I kinda fell apart. With all the other things going on with us, that was the last thing I needed. So of course I started balling like a school girl. LOL. Sure enough he notice that I started crying when I said nothing was wrong. He tried to reassure me that it had nothing to do with me. That he loved me and he didn't want to see me cry. Sounds like a something that he thought I wanted to hear if you ask me. Of course he is going to say something like that.!!! So with that all being said, Im going to try not to think about it so much and have fun while Im In NEW YORK. Not everyday you get a chance to go there. Kinda wish that Ill be able to check out the clubs there, nightlife etc. But oh well. At least I get too see it. Another thing recently that kinda bothered me too, is that I dyed my hair. Got rid of blonde and you know he didnt even NOTICE at all,!! Wow, that made me feel so great about myself, like is he even Looking at me?? That he can't even notice my Hair Colour! I'm totally darker now, and he didnt even take a second glance at me.!!! But He'll notice any other Hot girl that happens to be on the computer and I dont want to even know what he does when a good looking girl walks by him! Sure Im sexy to him when he's had a few drinks and perhaps he catches other men looking at me. Than Im good for him. But other times. Im just there in the background and when He feels like it maybe he'll pay some attention to me. Seriously, Im not playing games like that, nor do I want to feel like Im always seeking out to be notice,

Wanna Do,,,Wanna Go,,,Should I go?

2008-03-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

What you doing to me
I cant let you go
Even though you keeping me frustrated
It still feels so right
I try so hard not to be jaded
Every time you lie
Try so hard to
Get you off my mind
You know that I be running back to you
My love is blind
I know it this isn't right
He won more time
Like there's too much to leave behind
Want to move on
But I cant
No I just cant let you go
Cuz I been loving you too long
Take it back to how it was
You know I'm going crazy
I cant do this no more
I just cant let you go
I keep on coming back for more
Told myself now its over
But I still love ya
I cant let you go

I don't think time will ever make it
No matter how hard I try
But you convince im mistaken
When you go and do the things you
We used to do
That made me fall for you
Then you turn around
And say something
That proves me right
this aint right
I know I'm a fool
To think that I need you in my life
I should know better but
When im with you
I forget about the past
I know im just playin myself
But I don't care
I don't wanna let you go neither
When I get upset or frustrated

Too much alcohol or simply not enough???

2008-03-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

So Here we are march 12th already..OMG did this year ever fly by.. 2008?? Oh boy..Im going to be 25 this year???..!!!!!! Ahhhhh...Im getting older...BOOOOOOO.
Anyways , the point is this blog is, the truth to be told, I dont know when and My bf got together. I don't even know how long we've been dating...LoL..Its all such a blur to me. I do remember St.Pattys day, WE GOT TOGETHER lol..Hint hint hint....I believe we we're even together before than..I dont remember the first time we slept together..Kinda horrible isnt? Makes me wonder if I was drinking too much and the alcohol impaired me to not remember... Shouldn't I remember things like that? . Hell I cant even recall when he met my parents nor when I met his. When did we consider each other as a couple?? He don't remember either , although doesn't really surprise me,.,. I kinda think he wasn't sure if he wanted to date me right away. I know he wanted to sleep around with me., but didn't feel that he wanted to actually be with me. Now, this is where I think I get my doubt feelings from. That he only was with me cause of the sex. Although I do recall things going down with his friend and me pretty much giving him an talking to on how I felt about us and what we we're and what not. I hate not knowing at least a lil bit, .. Like I was more so a convince to him. That I was a good piece of ass and it was just blended into something more. I'm not saying I didn't feel the same. But I know that I didn't want to be friends with benefits, and I do recall feeling that way with him at one time. I've been thinking a lot of what I want in my future where I want to be, what I may want, who's in it, blah blah blah. I remember though when we did get together, feeling like the other girl. He was friends with a mutual friend of ours, he lived with her at one time but moved out shortly before we got together. (hint hint)(lol) . I actually hung out with her, went to clubs, went shopping, lunches, and all kinds of stuff. I Recall feeling like I was just there, and never knowing my place. He cater to her a lot when we we're together, well hanging out. It always seemed like he just totally cared about her too much and I was just a rebound. Really thats how I felt. I know now, thats where A lot of my -self doubts come from when it has to do with how I feel with staying together and knowing if this is what I want. I cant seem to get it out of my head. Sucks. But its true. I care about him a lot. I do..I just hate the fact that I will never really know what I mean to him., and if she came to him asking for a second chance would he take it? I already feel like the second girl, even now at times. She doesn't even talk to me, ignores me, but completely talks to him, does whatever with, says whatever, and the sad thing is he lets her do it. I really don't know how to feel, I have that over my head and it bothers me to know end. Was I just a girl to get over her and he just happen to like me in the end. I do remember asking him about if I was a rebound, and I of course he said no, Why would he say yes..lol...Talk about shooting yourself in the Nuts!!!
I just hate it, hate to think that he could be just faking everything. That he feels that he just has to be with me , that he felt obligated kinda like he was just like "meh oh well...I at least I wont be alone for Christmas and get steady sex!!.. I guess what I'm saying is he didn't put much effort in us in the beginning, at all..We pretty much was just having sex. Hanging out at my house. After so long I got tired of it. Really how is that suppose to make me feel? I told him straight out, we can hang out, but no sex, or just actually date. I don't even remember when it was I said that to him, in other words I was thinking he was sleeping around with other women, or sleeping with a certain someone. I think I brought this up a few times to him, that I didn't want to be friends with benefits! Now in all fairness, I didn't have feelings for him in the beginning . I just knew I didn't want to used. I believe it went on for a while, before we even told anyone that we even slept together. I don't even think we even went out at all much together either. I was feeling like Im good enough to sleep with, but Iam not good enough to be with?? After so long of sleeping together, kinda gets to you. Not sure what to do about it. Having to deal with Chantel all the time. Having her in my life the way she is, Iam really not sure If I can handle it. Having to doubt things with him because the way she is all over him while Im IN the SAME room!! Im really not a jealous type, she doesn't even make me Jealous its more less I can see her for some reason hurting a bit cause we are together and I know she just wants to hurt me. Now I don't know If my bf would ever cheat on me with her. I like to say No. But sadly I wouldn't put my life on it. I wouldn't be surprised that they we're together while Him and I we're just talking and getting to know each other. Only because I felt like he was still in love with her, how he acted, how when she would call or txt him, I honestly can say he would jump, leave me to see her and come back later on. Yes, I totally told him how I felt when it was going on., but that fact of him letting it go on, and kinda to this day (not as bad though) . just really makes me wonder. I won't lie, I probably should of let myself be single for a bit longer before him and I got together, but it kinda just happen.. Like even in August of this year,, we had some issues with her, saying things, and he letting it just slid. I really thought he didn't want to be with me. I was just the middle person to make someone get jealous. Really hurts to have that stuck in my head , to wonder what I really do mean.

Next To You

2008-03-07T13:16:00.000-08:00

3am and I wish that I was sleeping
You're in my mind like a song playing on the radio
All I know is that I want to get close to you
Laying there turning the minutes into hours
To find the nerve to message you
You don't know that I wanna be close to you
Yeah it's 5 in the morning and I can't go to sleep
Cause I wish you knew what you mean to me
What do I have to say? What do I gota do?
How to get the one you want to want to get close to you?

Again another awaking yet Sleepless Night.

2008-03-05T23:31:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to think there something wrong with me lately. It s 2:30am I'm sleepy, but I can't seemed to fall asleep. I've been going threw this endless nights of not sleeping going to work and then crashing when I get home. Yet only for a few hours. I began to think,,,I'm over thinking. Yes. I've been stressed out a bit with family, bf, hours at work, money situations etc..Does it really give my body a hard toll on the sleep aid. It's come to the point where I'm either thinking about one thing or another and letting my mind wonder instead of it sleeping. I came to the conclusion that this week I may just stop by my doctors and get some sleeping pills to help with those nights. I've been on them before when I in my early 20's. I was dealing with somethings that happen to me , going to counseling and what not. I found they helped, but only for a short period because I refused to take them all the time. I've gotten to the point where I'm taking Advil , just to make my self a bit drowsy so I can calm my thoughts and actually get some sleep. I can not stand it being up, when I know I have to work in the morning and have plans after my long uneventful sleepless day at work. I don't think right, I'm moody. Hell the other night I was up for over 24hours, no sleep, no naps, worked, and boy let me tell you I wanted to cry I was so over tired. I wish I could just shut my brain off, and let my body do its thing.
So with all this said. Think Friday I'll call the doc and see what I can do. Not much of a pill popper but I need to do something. The stress level so up high that its not going to go away anytime soon.

Great on Paper, Not in Person

2008-03-05T11:23:00.000-08:00

Should you hang out in a comfortable relationship, even if you know he or she isn't "The One?"

Im currently doing some house cleaning and not too sure where to start. My bf and I get a long great, though I feel something missing. . He's smart, older ,not into the bar scene every weekend, well-dressed, intelligent, and came from a nice family.. He had never cheated on a girlfriend that i know of . He even professed a desire to get married someday. He treats me well, but I kinda feel that there's no passion.

Even his flaws are fairly livable. There was no alcoholism , no trail of ex-wives or illegitimate children. Sure,he passes out before 12pm. He's not really that romantic, but still finds ways to let me know how he feels. You're thinking what the heck am'I complaining about..lol
But, really, nothing too horrible. On paper, he was the perfect guy. In person, however, was an entirely different story
Not that it was bad, it just wasn't that good. It sort of took me a while to realize that he wasn't "The One." We always have a good time together, we rarely argued, and I like his friends and family. The signs that maybe we shouldn't be together were murky at best. Im never really unhappy with him despite little things that rubbed me the wrong way,

Sometimes I'd think about ending the relationship, but with no real catalyst like a big knock-down, drag-out fight (and there are generally no lovers quarrels if you're not really emotionally connected) I hardly gave a breakup much consideration. We got along well, our friends hung out together, he's so laid back, perhaps maybe he's too laid for me?????. Im the type who likes to get out, do new things, spend time with friends, rather than stay home all the time and watch movies. I sometimes feel Im draggin him out and he's only going out with me because he has too. Im 24 going on 25 and he's 34 going to be 35.. Is are age difference really getting in the way of the spark??.. Like don't get me wrong. I love him I do. But I kinda feel at times he's only with me because Im young pretty, and besides what 34 old man wants to be alone..???...????

This type of dilemma is actually quite common when you're in a situation where you get along well, but the sparks just aren't there. But here's what you have to ask yourself: If your guy or girl is really perfect for you on paper, then why aren't there any sparks? And should you hang out in a comfortable relationship indefinitely, even if you know he or she isn't "The One?"

Got me to think about definition of passion from your heart? Or is it more of an expectation, driven by soap operas and cable television? Think about the relationships you've had where you did feel passion -- were they with bad boys who treated you like dirt? Women who barely acknowledged you existed until they needed a new drink? Sometimes we mix up passion with danger -- so a nice, sweet guy or girl who really might be right for us doesn't make our palms sweat because they're, well, nice.

I'll have the veal. No, the chicken. No, the veal

The second thing you need to ask yourself is why you're not feeling sparks if this person really is perfect on paper. Do you really want what you want?
If he looks good on paper, but your having second thoughts , you need to think about whether what you've been looking for is what you really want. Or, is it what somebody else convinced you that you should want, like Mom, or your gaggle of married girlfriends.

Third, your intuition could be telling you something. If he or she is technically exactly what you're looking for but something's just not right, it could be your intuition picking up on some little clues. And, the truth is, every day you spend with Mr. (or Ms.) Right Now is a day you're missing out with Mr. (or Ms.) Right.

As far as my "On Paper" guy was concerned, frankly, I don't think I was his "One" any more but both of us were comfortable hanging out and having fun.
I really don't know what to do. I don't want to string him along. Than again I sometimes feel that I'm being stringed along, and I'm just a nice look arm decoration. I guess I just feel alone a lot.
He is very closed off, doesn't say how he feels too often, drives me nuts . I'am Selfish for wanting to be romance once in awhile to know that he cares about me without him even saying it. Its been awhile since he just kissed me for no reason. In some cases I do a lot of physical part, and he just goes for the ride. Though no relationship is perfect, maybe this is just one our low times rather than high......

airless

2008-03-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

If I should go before I awake
Because you had took my air away
Losing you is like living in the world without no air

I’m here alone, didn’t want you to leave
My heart can't Beat its incomplete
Is there a way to make you understand?

How Do you expect me to live alone in this world with just me?
When my world revolves around you
It’s so hard for me to breathe
So hard for me to leave

Can’t live, can’t have a life without any air
That’s how I feel whenever you're not here
But somehow I’m still alive
You took my breath and I did survive
I don’t know how but I don’t even care
Have me out here in the water so deep
Now I'm Drowning without no air.
There’s no air, no air

Snow Flakes Are fallin on my Head!!

2008-03-04T20:57:00.000-08:00

Gosh I hate snow, the cold, icy roads, I can not stand WINTER. Love the nice hot weather, summer days of wearing flip flops, the hot wind in my air, the smell of flowers, being able to leave my house without bundling up. Oh boy oh boy...I want summer. LOL.
Anyways, the weekend was amazing. Although Friday was absolutely horrible. I didn't sleep at all, and I had to work the next morning. I ended up pulling a all niter . Gosh it was not going well. So I stayed home and slept. Worked Saturday morning which wasn't too bad. I went out with the girls Saturday night...LOL..OH gosh..It was so much fun. I haven't hung out with them in a long time. We went to the Room, which was ok, because I haven't been there in a long time. It's nice not going to the clubs and then going. You have a better time that way:D I miss hanging out with my girl friends. Not so much the club scene but I do miss just hanging out with them. We danced,, drank, danced,...did I say we danced???.. I have lots of pics, had a blast!!! I never had that much fun in a real long time. Not that I dont have fun with other people. It's just that it was like old times when we we're like 22 and going out..Miss those girls. :D
Was also nice because my bf didn't give me hard time about going. I used to being yelled at and having to fight and all upset before heading out. No-wonder why I drank a lot. lol. I didn't drink a lot on Saturday there was no need too. But before when I used to go out I would drink a lot because I was so pissed off. Really nice to have a mature Bf, that tells me to have a good time and he'll talk to me tomorrow sorta deal.

Everything but the Kitchen Sink.

2008-02-28T17:13:00.000-08:00

Cant really say much about this week. Has been kinda blah. Though I'm happy that I got some shifts this week. With working the holiday and getting decent amount of shifts, I could use the extra cash. This week went went by pretty fast, I'm so not looking forward to working the weekend. I had the weekend that just past off and I loved every moment of it. Again I havent seen my bf again all week. lol. Seems like I don't know when Ill see him because I have plans for this Friday and Saturday night. Friday Im suppose to go to a comedy club with my friend Korry. Its free tickets, food and possibly free stuff to win. He asked me like a week ago to go, I don't want to cancel now just because I haven't seen my bf. Saturday night the girls asked me once again to go out with them. I've canceled so many times with them that I kinda feel like Im missing out on everything that has been going on with them. Hell my girl has been separated from her bf for like over a month and I didn't even know. Thats how much I'm out of the loop. I dont have much cash at the moment. So they even are going to pick me up at home and we are going to pre-drink at Yvonne's place to also saving some more cash. I have to work days on sunday so I won't be out long, but it will feel good to go out dance and just hang out like the good old days. I miss them so much. Seems like everyone is just doing their own thing. I work a lot of afternoons so I miss a lot girl time with them. So even though I want to see my bf so much, I don't think a few more days won't hurt us. He doesn't know that I have plans.lol. News to him. I'm sure he is assuming that we are hanging out this weekend. Again its his bday in March and I have plans with him then. So it's not the end of the world if I see him Sunday night or something. My priorities right now are my friends because I've been neglecting them so much. I have groups of friends which they all don't hang out. lol. So I have to try and space my time out with all of them. Not always making everyone happy. But I try. Can't make everyone happy. The way I see it, If my bf and I are going to be together than we have the rest of our life's. My Friends have always been there , threw all those hard times. Bf's come and go all the time. If I break bridges with my friends than I can only blame myself. Friends are very important, at least good friends and I like to know that I can go to them if I really need them. So with that being said, I will do what I said I would do and go to my commitments. Should be interesting though. I haven't been down town in a long time. Well , at least the bar that we are planing to go to. As for as Korry concerns I can't break them either. I wish I could though , I wouldnt mind seeing my bf......:(
Oh well, life goes on, can't have the moon.

Air less

2008-02-24T21:10:00.000-08:00

The room is colder now, I think it's sick of me
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till I can no longer walk
And I'm standing down...
I think I'm moving but there's nothing there
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, but you don't see
You've got my eyes set on anywhere but here
I'm glancing down on myself, counting up my years
I start to wonder why you're ' there and not here'
Should of given you everything , should of given me all of you
But what's there ain't what we really need
Every moment I try and stay clear
One last Time to make my last attempt to feel
I'm moving. But I don't go nowhere
Should of known that I would get scared
I've become what I can no longer be,
I'm tryin to come back, can fell all my senses fallen back
Can Un-not all the sand bags, I never thought I Would...
Beg My Unsteady legs, please don't fail on me now
Gonna run till I can no longer walk

Early October

2008-02-21T22:30:00.000-08:00

On the that cold dark full moon night,

The night that you went away.

October 5th late at night the date I sadly say.

I closed my eyes and hoped to god that

this was just a really bad dream,

And I would wake up the very next day.

But than to realize that is was real and I could not take it away.

I felt so helpless and cold inside

when I had walked into your room while you lay in your bed

So graceful so peacefully

Your troubles are gone, you're suffering had stopped.

I thought about what you must have went though

within the seconds before you were gone.

I wonder if you felt alone and hoping that was not the case.

I wonder what you thought of , your last few moments on this earth

I wonder if you thought of me, I wonder if you felt free.

It’s like I lost my best friend you were like another mother to me.

I wonder if you were sad to go, I wonder if you knew that it was your time.

I wonder if your are watching me now, helping me get threw.

I hope that you knew that you are loved,

I hope you know how much you meant to me,

I wonder what you said to God before he took you away

I felt like I was in a dazed, like I had no heart, no breathe to breath

I can take a few tears now and then and can let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone always upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
What hurts the most
Was being so close

Having so much to say
And knowing you had passed away

And never knowing

What could have been

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
It’s hard to force that smile when I see things that remind me of you,

Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, living’ with you gone
But I know if I could do it all over Again

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
that I left unspoken

The feeling took right over me and I couldn’t help but shed my tears.

I wish I was there to hold your hand, the night you passed away.

Written With Love: For , DeeDee (Grandma)

Left Wondering

2008-02-21T21:16:00.000-08:00

Had a very long but pretty good day. Started out with having the adventure of taking an unusual site seeing bus to the bank. It's by the market so I figured I would do a walk around threw and see what was there. Could help but notice all the different yet exotic things you can get. It's amazing how different nationalities have so many foods. Was tempted to buy something, but I didn't have any extra cash so I just browsed around looking at all the different kinds yummy selections. After I wiped my drool off my lip (yes I left my house without eating so I was getting hungry) I walked to the nearest Tim Hortons to grab a coffee and some change for way back home. Listening to my ipod as I sat down and took a seat on the bus I got to thinking about what else I had to do. One day off and it was already almost 2:00pm. I never really took the time to notice how many people can be so rude. This poor young mentally challenge boy got on the bus he was dropped off by I believe who was his social worker. The bus driver must have known who he was because he said "hello I'll watch him" to the fellow who was waiting for the bus with him. It was kinda cute because he saw me smiled and sat in the seat over from me. I curiously watched him gather up his things and pulled out his cross word puzzle and pencils. About 5min later the young boy dropped his book on the floor. It was not to far from my seat so I picked it up for him. He smiled and said thank-you. The man sitting in front of me looked back and smiled also. It really seemed like no-one really paid any attention to him, I felt kinda sorry from him too and how much I take for granted. I'm well aware with my decisions, thoughts, wants, and can manage living alone without anyone holding my hand guiding me threw things. Unlike some people who can't not because they don't want too, just because mentally they can't. I'm really grateful that I'm able to work, go out when I please and have the responsibilities that one needs to be able to make it in this cruel world. Couldn't imagine living without knowing where I'am and not knowing any better.
Finally I get home, was pretty cold out so I was happy I was in the warmth and out of the cold. I had a few hours before I had to head out again to go the gym and go to my Yoga class. I've been slacking this week so I figured I would go. Jess and I usually go together but I wanted to work-out before hand since I didn't go this much at all this week. So I spent sometime surfing the net and talking online. I talked to my bf which by the way I haven't seen in like almost a week. Not really sure what to make of that. I seen him for like 5min on Monday and since than I haven't seen him since and its now Friday! He's been going to bed real early and I spent the last two days working afternoons. So we have been just text messaging. It's been really weird lately. I feel like we are kinda falling apart. Although I know he has been working early days and not really feeling that great, I just find it a little hurtful that he doesn't really even want to talk on the phone. I've been working till 11pm the last few days so I can understand why it's hard for him to stay up. Though a phone call would be nice instead of a text message.Well anyways we talked for a bit online catching up and what not. By than it was almost 5pm and I had to leave shortly to head out to the gym. My yoga class started at 7 and I wanted to get at least an half hour of workout in. I figured I would leave before 6. Than to come to realize I missed that last bus so I had to wait till the 6:09 bus. Grrr.. So I said bye to my bf and I left the house. To make matters worse I received a text message from Jess saying that she wouldn't be able to make it out because her bf was making her dinner and they needed some quality time. Well than ok, guess I'm on my own for yoga. As I waited and waited for the bus to come, I started to get real cold and looked to see what time it was. It was 6:14pm, wtf is going and where the heck is the bus. I started to get impatient the next one didn't leave until another 15minutes. Somehow I missed it and I was waiting yet another 15minutes. I was pretty pissed and rethinking about heading back home. I had plans with my friend Korry to pick me up from the gym and go see a movie after I was done . I thought about how much I've been neglecting on going to the gym this week, which got me to sit there and wait. lol. Finally the bus had arrived but giving me no time to work out before hand. I decided that I would skip the yoga class and just work-out for an hour since that all the time I had before 8:00pm when Korry was going to meet me. After my long yet well needed work-out I heading down to the locker room and changed.
Korry just bought a new car so when I got outside I didn't know what to look for. I waited about 5minutes and he showed up. Thank goodness because I was started to get cold.
So we went to the mall where the movie was playing we had loads of time before the movie started. We just walked around the mall a bit figured we would get our tickets, popcorn , pop and head out to the theater to sit and wait. Was a pretty good and cute movie. Chic flick all the way. lol. :D Its nice to finally end your day with a nice movie and a good friend.!

Friends, Cold Nights & Early Mornings

2008-02-19T03:55:00.001-08:00

Weekends are such a pain in the ass anymore. I work 3 out of 4 weekends a month which makes getting up before 7am hard to enjoy any weekend! Don't get me wrong working weekends isn't all too bad, just can't enjoy you're night knowing you have to get up for work the next day.
Anyways this weekend was a roller coaster. Friday was ok, stayed home and just relaxed. So getting up Saturday morning wasn't too bad at all. . Saturday night didnt have any plans but pretty much chill-lax at home. But then to come to realize one of my GOOD friends is having some troubles with their relationship. They wanted to go out to let some frustrations out., talk, drink, and just clear some thoughts. I figured I would tag along and be a supervisor. lol. My Friends are really important to me. Like anyone else in this world no-one wants to see their friend upset and feeling low. I had all intentions not to over- drink myself to the point that I felt like I've been rang over with a snow plower.! The night out was good. Did some dancing, a few beers and some good music. Until.. .. .. It had dawned on my friend ( who was completely intoxicated) that they were not happy and needed to do some changes. Why is it that we feel the need to try and make our unhappiness go away with trying to numb it. It does not matter what you numb the pain with. It's always going to be there. I will admit I've done it too. Got all liquored up trying to forget how I feel and make it go away. Reality is, you wake up feeling worse tired, embarrassed, and the problems are still there just with a BIGGER headache. When it comes to relationships, how much should one individual take. ?Everyone has their breaking point, some take more, some take less. I've been threw so much when it comes to dating that I finally know what I want and not settling for anything less. You always see what you want to see, ignoring what is really there. Denial stage is a lot more structured, habit forming and harder to come down to reality. Like looking threw a door of a peep hole, you only see the face of things, never the whole entire surroundings. Until you actually open that door is where you see everything and be able to walk out and be able to look at what is really out there. You can't force people to walk out, unfortunately they have to be the ones who want to see and be able to conquer that fear. So here's the thing.......Maybe you're still madly in love with your significant other, but something tells you it's time to let go. How do you know when to let go? There is no full-proof way to know when to let go of a relationship. Every relationship has its ups and downs, so it is important to distinguish between what is the end of love or what can be sorted out. If your not happy why should you stay, most people say just get out and end it. Well its a lot more difficult and always easier to say it than do it. There's always that second doubt telling us the what If's. Sure you can tell your self that everything will be ok and things will go back to the way it was. Your mind is a beautiful thing and make you think what you want. But you're heart is what takes over in the end.

Impulsive Moments!

2008-02-15T19:10:00.000-08:00

Thursday night was not an ordinary night, Jess and I had planned to go to yoga considering it was our light yoga night!! I was so sore that I figured I would just go 15mins of cardio just to warm up. So Jess mentions that she wanted to get a piercing done.. Well than, hmmm so figured I would tag along. lol.. Then head over to the gym once we are done.
So we meet up down town by the tattoo & Piercing Shop, we walk in , Jess explains what she wants to get done. I was thinking about getting my Tragus done.(a part of your ear) I always wanted to get that pierced. So I asked the guy how much it would be. $50 bucks. not too bad. After Jess Finished filling out the paper work they make you fill before they actually do anything to you. The guy asked me if I was getting it done today or not. I looked at Jess, and was Like hmmm should I?? ..lol.. Took one second thought and said "sure why Not' lol.:D
So I filled out my necessary paper work and we both Heading out to the little room where this fine procedure would take place. Jess went first. Poor girl was really nervous. but it looked pretty wicked.(she got something else done) Now its my turn for me, Yah,,lol.. I was a lil nervous considering I haven't gotten a piercing done is so long.. But he recommended me to check out a picture of a Anti-tragus which I liked a lot better. Looked very neat, and I never really seen it on anyone! So I decided to go with that!! Once he marked and set everything up I sat down and hoped I wouldn't pass out!! lol I have 5 tattoo's and two other piercings but you never know , different places in your body react differently and I kinda have a sensitivity to fake jewelery . So anyhoo in not even 20 seconds or so it was done! Not even half painful that I accepted!! Even after wards wasn't too bad. Although Jess was kinda sore, so we didn't bother going to Yoga!!! LOL... Talk about just going with the flow.!!.... I Love BEING Spontaneous!!!!

Jeet Kune Do!?!

2008-02-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

Today was very interesting. Unfortunately I didnt get much sleep last night. I was still up at 4am, not too sure why I couldnt sleep, but when My cell rang at 7am to be called in for work, I knew it was going to be a long ass day! So I did go in, I need the shifts!! But I guess it wasn't too bad, was glad when 3:00pm came though!! After settling down after work, I thought about heading to the gym.. I was not going to go at first. But there was a Jeet Kune Do class tonight that seemed rather neat to check out. Started at 630, so I gathered my stuff for the gym and went. Got there fairly early so I did some weight training and heading down to the gym when it was time for the class. I'll be honest I was kinda hesitant at first, I was alone, didn't know anyone and did not know what to accept. So there I was having not a clue what to do, there was a guy doing laps around in a small circle of the gym. Gave it about 5 min and others showed up. Phew, glad to see other people there! lol.. I assumed at that point that's how the class started out by doing laps to get warmed up.

So I joined in and just RAN,,like Forest in Forest Gump!! lol!! So we did that about 10mins or so just running and walking around in a circle warming up. There was six people 3 girls and 3 guys including the dude who was the instructor! Was kinda nice he notice I was new and got my name and started explaining things. OMG.. What a WORKOUT!! We did all sorts of things.
Running, stretching, Kicks (not just kicks I MEAN HIGH ONES) leaps back and forth across the gym floor. Also ab work outs, push-ups on our knuckles, just all sorts of stuff but very INTENSE!!

Learned how to defend myself when someone tries to punch me, was very fun. The people in the group at first was very quiet, but I kinda tried talking to them. The one girl there is awesome!!
Her and I talked a bit, and cheated on some of the exercises a lil while the instructor wasn't looking!! LOL. Im really glad I went. I have to do some catch up considering the class has been going on since before Christmas. But Everyone was really patient with me and the instructor helped me threw everything! Its a high intense work-out with self defense!!!

Always good to learn how to protect your self, you never know when it could come in handy. Next week we are learning more on self protect exercises, which Should be very interesting indeed!!

I'll never worked out so hard and had fun at the same time. I'm just glad my insecurities didn't get the best of me because at one point I was thinking what in god's name did I get myself into!!! But I was reassured that considering it was my first time I did pretty good.
So now I know before this class there is no need to be doing any kind of pre-work out . The class covers every body part and muscle!.. So high Kicks and Punches to my DAY!!

V-Day Commercially Over-Rated!

2008-02-12T21:37:00.000-08:00

♥I give Valentine's Day A whole 3+ thumbs DOWN. I don't think that it appropriate to have it.
Yes, we all want to know that we are appreciated and loved. But do we really need a reminder??
Since when that one day out of the whole entire year that we are forced to show it..Shouldn't it be done all YEAR round??.. Most guys dread this day and I don't blame them. Everything that is advertised to buy you wait like a week and its gone down in price! They jack up the prices, make singles feel lonely and couples stressed out on find that special gift. It's very unnecessary. Personally I would rather have something done special like that for no reason at all. Just because not because its done world wide. Like don't get me wrong, I don't mind receiving flowers etc but do it because YOU want too.. It's just a way for the government/companies to get money! It's all BS. so your special someone says "Here Honey I got you a Valentine Card and gift" then they next day they treat you like crap!. ummm Ya NOT. Oh worse if your single you know couples everywhere are spending that special moment and your all alone eating a tub a Ben&Jerry's!!!
Talk about PRESSURE,.. It's all fake, so just for one day you have pretend in some cases that you actually care about that person.? Call me ANTI-Val Gal.. I don't care. I want the person that I'm with want to do things those things when HE ACTUALLY WANTS TOO.,,,not feel like he has too. Whatever happen to Just Because Gifts?. Most girls love this day, hoping to get flowers sent at work, candy, Stuffed Bears or even worse A ring! Who in the the right mind wants to be proposed too on the most over-rated, money hungry, fake day! Romance, BLAH.. Pick another day, I just find it tacky! The only thing that is great about that day is the left over candy that goes on SALE!! :) hahahhahaha.... lol..
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

let It BURN BABY!

2008-02-11T11:01:00.001-08:00

Today was the first time I actually went to go work-out. I'll tell ya 7am work outs come so early!! I'm trying to do this slow so I don't end up hurting myself or be unbearably sore. But it felt great! Although I felt my abs crunches within a few minutes! Jess and I had fun though. After a let it burn work-put we heading to the mall to get a yoga mat. Wow what a mat of a hunt.. We didn't realize how expensive they would be. We had to do some serious shop around. Ended up going to Sears and picking a $30.00 mat. Yes, 30bucks! For a piece of rubber! I could melt down a tire and it would be cheaper!!! Some of them were like $34-39 just for the MAT! We also wanted to at lease have a carry case, most didn't have a case. The one we got has a built on strap for easy carrying. Which comes in handy. But I'd rather spend the money then use the bum smelly ones they have at the gym. Yuck.
So now its another Yoga night. This time it's regular yoga rather than the light yoga we did last Monday night. Should be interesting to see the difference. We we're told that Yoga is intense and that we are going to be sore from all the stretching and what not. Poor Jess is already feeling sore..lol Hopefully Yoga with help her with stretching all those sore muscles of hers and not make her worse!!! I think I may go tomorrow morning too if I don't get called into work. Mornings seem to be good. Less people there, and I feel like I have more energy throwout the day which is another bonus! Ya for YOGA.

Just a Matter of Opinion...

2008-02-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

We all have thoughts and different opinions on how we think and feel about certain issues. Or do we? Couldn't help but notice some people tend to lean towards what others think and tend to not make up there own minds and make their own decisions. How honest are you being with yourself if you are letting someone influence you on the choices you make. If your always leaning on someone else to do these things how is that healthy. The world is full of lots of individual choices, some are life changing and can have a huge in pack. How is always answering with I don't know what do you think ? self righteous...Stand in line and follow the leader! I'm think I'm pretty independent, not afraid to share my opinions and make my own decisions. Although of course I sometimes ask for a second opinion, but in the end I make that decision. I don't need someone guiding me threw it and making my own mind up. Whats the point of having a mind, if your never going to use it.
individuality is our only way to be different it's a beautiful thing. Nothing wrong with speaking your mind, sharing how you truly feel about something. Since when being a copy of another persons views get you anywhere. I don't see the point to just agree with someone, just because your afraid to speak-out. What are people so afraid of? Being different, not having the same views can be rather interesting. You can learn a lot from others, and your self with standing alone and actually not backing down to how you feel. I like being different. With the things I wear, how I present myself, I don't care what other people think I just do what I feel comfortable with. If I want to wear a long socks over my jeans with a tank top over my long shirt I will. If I order something to eat or drink its going to be because I want that. I don't think there is nothing wrong with that at all what soever. It happens in my relationships, my friends, my work place, my family, with my everyday life. Cherish the choices that comes you're way,
I'm who I'am And I love every minute of it.

Something To Look Forward too!

2008-02-06T21:57:00.000-08:00

So another Blog today!,..Yes indeed two in one day. How about that!
Well this year I wanted to start a gym, been meaning to join one. Kinda a new years resolution I guess I made for myself.
I was suppose to join one with my Friend Korry, but he wasn't really on the game of going. So I text Jess to see if she wanted to join with me. She had just joined one yesterday!! Found that really weird, but it works.lol..
Now her and I are going tomorrow to do YOGA. woo hoo Yoga! I always wanted to try that. Im just glad I found someone to go with me at times. Always better to go with someone for sure. Just have to go there before hand and set up my membership. Which I guess is pretty set- forward. Then its Yoga TIME!!! Pretty pumped about that, now I have no excuse for me NOT to work-out. Not that I need to loose weight or anything like that. But toning up and getting a "Healthy" start for the new year! I use to work-out a lot, I loved the way I felt after I worked out, maybe it will give some more energy! I need to space my time in better places than rather in front of the computer! I think working out and getting into a better state of mind with how I feel with my "inner physical appearance" will be great. Need to get my heart healthy and my body back to where it was at one time. Yes. I did have a better toned body. I've been slacking in that department. Just need some incentive to actually go. I'm curious with what other classes besides Yoga that I can take. I did belly dancing and that was absolutely awesome! Had such a great time with that class. Boy let me tell you, its a lot harder than it looks. Works a lot of muscles I never knew I had!!.....lol
Although Im not looking forward to being sore.. Eeekkkk I remember when I FIRST worked-out I sure was sore for a few days. But if I do it right Im sure it wont be all that bad!
Should be fun, new, and a lot better for me to be doing that than sitting on my lazy butt!!

There are Summer Days and There are Crapola Days..

2008-02-06T13:50:00.000-08:00

~Couldn't help but notice how horrible it is outside today. Slushy rainy, cold and wet out.!! Not a good day to be doing daily errands around the city thats for sure. These kinds of days I just want jump into some warm comfy clothes , lay in bed and watch lots of movies! Doesn't that sound rather day-fabulous!!.. I cant wait for the warming weather to come. I'm sick of the harsh cold, colorless weather! Bring on summer! . .

People tend to be more grumpier in the winter time. I really do think the weather does effect your mood. When its nice and warm out, its great to be outside walk around, and just enjoy the outdoors.
Winter brings on the hibernation in people. No-one wants to go out and be outside..Tends to make people depressed being in doors all the time. I really do wish I lived in an area where it was only 3 seasons instead of 4. Spring, Summer and Fall. Oh boy, and skip Winter!! That would be Fantastic! I don't mind it being mild out were you have wear a sweater. But where it's below 0 and it freezing out, I can't stand it!! bbrrrrr.... I just want to hibernate for the Winter months~

Unbelievable,

2008-02-04T22:18:00.000-08:00

Ive always said I would know where to find love,
Never thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
Always felt I should quit and just give up.
But you came along and you changed my whole world and made me look on everything,
Now I'm somewhere, somewhere I've never thought I would be before.
Now I see, what love truly means.

It's so unbelievable,
Don't want to let it go,
Something so amazing, something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you'll always be,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.

In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
I could never imagine being somewhere else,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how.
I'm alive, in a place that I want to be
And I've never would of thought that you could me make see
what love means.
When I think of what I have, and the chances I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and see, what love really means

Chow Down

2008-02-04T21:29:00.001-08:00

Woke up this morning tired, over-whelmed and just not in the mood to get ready for work...wait
thats EVERYDAY when I have to work!! haha..,.,.haha...
So I get to work, started at 11pm which isn't so bad I suppose. At first I was so unmotivated to work . Was such a sluggish day.
So I just kinda walked around and did small things here and there to by pass time, socialized a bit..hehehe :)
Finally by 3o'clock I was kinda getting in to my work. Was kinda fun because I got to talk to people visiting and what not.:D
Anyways, by 5pm I was ready to sit down and have lunch with the staff that was working on afternoons, they start at 3pm.. So I get what I want to eat and head downstairs to where everyone eats.. I never really notice this before. Im a usual people-watcher type person anyways. Yes I watch people!! lol..I cant help it. I just find it interesting to watch how others interact with people, what they do,. Its actually really fun! So I was sitting there and I watching how my co-workers ate.
Rather disturbing more than anything! I never really watch other people eat, too busy stuffing my own face than to bother watching others. But today for some strange odd reason I did.
So here I'am, the only female. sitting with like 6 other guys. Watching 6 men eating.
Grossed me out.
Some eat like they we're shoveling snow.!! Do they even breath??? I was thinking .... OMG that looks so gross ....mind ya I almost lost my appetite!
Some pick at their food like its a science project. dissecting everything possible !!!
Then you have the ones that eat so slow I almost fell asleep watching them eat!!!!
Then you have the ones that eat like its their last MEAL.!! Like they never seen food before and that its not going to be there..CHEW YOUR FOOD.....lol...My gosh,,,,slow the heck down,, no one is going to take it buddy!!! lmao. Like I take my time and eat and actually enjoy it.!!
I also watched how MUCH they ate..Holy shit some can eat like for 2 people!! If I ate that much I would be in a 3 day coma and sleeping for a week!! Like shit people PORTION your self.. There's no need to eat 2 pork chops, a shit load of mashed potatoes, gravy, veggies and a half a loaf of bread! plus dessert, and not just a piece of cake its more less a half a cake.!! I could seriously make 4 meals out of what he had to eat. Even the pork chops were HUGE.! lol... I was in shock that he didn't pass out because he's stomach exploded!
Let's put it this way. I didn't finish my dinner and I was grossed out.lol..
sorry guys. but its true.
Does anyone have good eating habits? What ever happen of chewing and enjoying your food?

Girls Vs Boys

2008-01-30T20:55:00.000-08:00

Well ,, since I have the time & Im Bored as hell...lol.. Figured I would share a few thoughts that I had discussed prior to this blogspot. I've been talking with a few of my guy friends...Seems like most of them come to me for advice...haha not too sure on why. Still yet an unsolved Mystery.

Well than boys...

THIS IS FOR YOU!!!

Rather than me overly REPEAT MYSELF with emails the phone calls and talking on MSN.I thought would make a standard plot on paper sorta deal.... (yes Whitey this is for u!! lol.....)

If you didn't message me, or talked to me about you're relationships, then this is not for you. If you do happen to read this and your clueless about the do's and don't's about dating, than ya I guess you can read........but actually DO IT,,and take some advice!!!! lol...

Geez who Am'I to give out pointers about dating,??? haven't had much success yet :-S
Ah Oh well, you asked the questions (many of you) and I will BE happy to give you my input.....

When I said about the fact of not liking when a guy tells me I'm Hot,,, I think you may took my words and miss read them READ in between the lines...

Every girl wants to hear that they are Beautiful,, Sexy,, those are the main ones....HOT is so NOT!!!! but really mean it when you say it.
In other words just don't say it to get us to sleep with you!! We know the lines and if you want to make a comment about us, then say something clever, "like i like your hair that way" or "wow your eyes really look good in that shirt" Rather than Damnn girl your HOT,,!!!!

We know we look HOT tell us something we didn't think of. Alright so you wanna know more about romance,???? Hmmm well if you're single and over 29, hmm maybe theres a reason why you are single??? lol..Sorry but by that age YOU should know how to be more romantic and not have to ask me or any other girl on " How to Be More Romantic"...But whatever I guess everyone grows a lil slower than some... SO, in the secret girl language.. ( and don't act like you don't care about us) We know you do!!! HELL it's fricken SEXY when I guy can tell you that he cares and let some emotion out. Don't beso insensitive and cold!!! Its not HOT at all and certainly wont get you any """extra points"" (in the sack!!!!)

Lets see, you can start with opening car doors once in awhile,, not all the time,, but sure makes us feel good..You can give massages, (who doesn't like a massage???!!!!) umm,, of course there is ALWAYS FLOWERS & CARDS!!!! & if you don't know what kind she really likes,well take her to the Flower part in the grocery store next time (even say your getting flowers for your mom or something and ask her what does she think you should get) yes little lies are ok,,,when it comes to things like that...

Now all this depends on where you are in the relationship or if you want to get her attention etc...Small things are the Best,, over trying just gets messy !!!! Send her txt msg, that your missing her or you cant wait till you see her next!!! Or Call and leave a message when you know she cant answer her phone.. If you haven't Called you girl any pet names... than do it!! Hun and babe,, makes us feel important.. What about asking about her DAY?? ever thought about that one???
Do something thats creative and fun and don't tell her where you are taking her!! Make it a surprise!!!!! Rather than a movie,. Movies/dinner are good, but sometimes it's nice to be surprised..Make dinner for her,, rather than going out!!!!

Don't feel like if we want to pay sometimes that your less of a man or something..... ( if we want to buy the next round of beers just SAY THANK YOU and enjoy your free beer!!!! )
We want to help and flip the bill too,, (unless they are selfish and gold diggers than,,DUMP HER!!!)

Now here comes the sticky part, you gotta make sure your girl knows she is the only one YOU want to be with or interested in. If your out there pickin up other pussy cats than stop!!! Get out of a relationship,,,, !!! Thats sooo not cool, playing around is so last season... !!! Not saying you cant look,,,( yes we look too) just be respectful..
Would you like it if you found out your girl was freakin some guy on the dance floor buyin her drinks and kissin her neck as he is sayin the things you NEVER TELL HER!!!! hmmm dudes think about it... Being cold,, and insensitive,, is something that will not end good... She will get tired and either leave or go find someone else that tends to her needs
(YES there is romantic guys out there!! I know that ..So you do have competition!!!) Or she will Cheat, perhaps stay with you for a bit and just end it.Have you notice you fight a lot?? She nags about you goin out with your buddies, the dishes, how you drive, or anything and everything...?? ( in other words if you haven't done anyone of those things at least once!?!?!.Secretly she is trying to grab your attention!!!) Treat your girls right,, most of you don't even know what you have until its gone!!!

Hmmmm hmmmmm sound familiar????? All I'm saying is that we want to feel important and appreciated and that you care. Show it and if your buddies call you whipped and a pussy ,, ( lol they are just pissed cuz you got her first!!!) So grab her hand while walking down the street we don't want the MOON given to us, we just want you to show that you want ONLY us and care!!! Now for some you guys have already did the BIG "L" word,, now saying I love you is certainly for those who are in more serious relationships..

Now don't say it until you mean it!!! Don't say it if you have recently said it to some other girl (if thats he case YOUR AN ASSHOLE!!!) in a email on the phone on a date, if your getting in bed with more than one women at a time ( and she doesn't know about it) listen up, you will get yours sooner or later, unless its an open relationship and you both agree on seeing other ppl than fine!!

but

good luck!! .,.,

If you told her your just with ONLY her and your not!! (I know who you are!!!) sorry hun,, but you gotta stop it!!! Just be single than,.. young girls don't deserve it and your risking a lot.... And you wonder why there are crazy bitches out there,, cuz they got burned by one too many ASSHOLES that cheat and play around!!! Sorry had to say it,,

As for SEX!!!! Yea we all want you to be good in bed!! (yes sadly we compare you to our ex bf's,) Sorry but if your just worried about ONLY you chances are you will get it less and less of a chance that we will say yes to sex..Every girl wants to pleased just like you so if your not taking your time making sure her pipes are up and running than maybe next time you want to make the moves than we might JUST have a head ache that night,, !!

So touch your girl,,EVERYWHERE!!! if you want her to play with your Tool in your toolbox, you gotta make sure we are getting the deed done too!! Quickies are fun don't get me wrong can be hot and exciting but foreplay is key at times!!! If your not sure...ask her!!!!!. Chances are if you take the time to make sure she is all hot and ready to go,, she will BE more than willing to give it back...

On a GOOD point,, if your just a guy who is kinda ruff when it comes to dating,, take my advice,, think about what would you like,, such as if we are in the mall and we remember that you wanted to latest DVD on the family guy and we see it, there's a good chances that we might pick it up and surprise you!! You make us feel important and you think of us than chances are we will do the same!!!!

I hope i answered everything and do try somethings

just might get you somewhere!!!

Wish You Shoulda, Woulda,Coulda, ,???

2008-01-20T12:57:00.000-08:00

So I came to the conclusion that there are many things in this haywire life of mine that always seems to come down to just 3 words.... (read the title above,, don't feel like typing it!!!!) Always something that I would change , do over again and perhaps would never do in the first place. A lot of things have to do with either men, places I went, things that I should of said, resulting in so many different conclusions on what my life may have been like..Don't get me wrong..Cant say Im not happy most of the time. Some things have changed for the better.;)
Have you ever stop to think that you are living the life your "suppose to" ??? Are we doing what we are meant out to seek, learn, feel, and emotionally go threw??. How do you know when your accomplishments are done, when your blindly walking threw you're daily tasks and adventures...Is there such a thing for us to have a purpose?? If so, whats your personal purpose. ? and if we dont conquer that, do we get a second chance? I'm not really sure on what to make of my personal purpose, am'I really who I'am or has it already been slightly written for me?,. That we all have this invisible era that has been planned out.. Every decision we make every choice, every dare, every mistake; do we go threw these things because its the road that we are suppose to take.

Saying The Right things

2008-01-13T21:58:00.000-08:00

Have you ever just wanted someone to say something to you, or perhaps something that to you just needed to hear??... .. . and never seem to get it??... Or they say things that are completely the opposite on what you want to actually wanted to know. Or even worse say nothing at all..

.Silence can either make you or break you.

Wish I had the power to go threw someone's mind and be able to know what their thinking. Not all the time....but in certain situations would be awesome.. Somethings you just need to know and the information is not there and way in the distance just completely untouchable. This past 2 years has been crazy, frustrating yet spontaneously amazing too.

They say there are signs that can tell you almost anything about someone and how they feel. Signs??? I must be off my rocker and totally out of tune cause I'm missing something with all this sign searching. If you don't tell people how things are how are you suppose to know ?

Is there really a such thing as mind reading??

I just recently have been helping out an guy pal of mine with your typical "women" problems. Seems like men they go threw the same things we do.. He's a bit younger than me and seems to come to me for advice...Actually a lot of people come to me with their relationship problems., Even though I can barely take on my own relationship problems. But I try and help and give them the best advice with what I've experienced.

Which got me thinking,... .... ... .. . .

Why does it always seem to be the "sweet" or "nice" men/women that get treated like Shit ?? Ruining the inner beauty of people that actually treat others the way one is suppose too, they have been balled around with an anti love chain . This world is cold, with cold people in it and is just getting worse. Why are we so afraid to love?
Seems like everyone's afraid to fall in love with someone, be their selfs and give it their all. I tend to second doubt everyone in my life.
I've been so disabled when it comes to letting my "true" feelings out. Rethinking everything out more than once to the point I drive myself on second guessing everything and anything,. My feelings, their feels, the "Why's, Does and the When's" .... Why is he really with me? Does he really mean the things he says?? and When will I see his true colours?? When does he start to change??...
I just wish I can just let things happen without thinking about my broken heart and worrying about emotionally getting hurt again.,..and again... I'm not a serious person at all. But I do have this HUGE wall that seems to be getting bigger and bigger. One thing can throw me off, one thing can make me reconsider things, Why I'am with this person, are they up to something, I'am just another fun hot fling??? I do this without any real reason but my own. Most of the time I get proven wrong either because I end up ended it before I get emotionally attached, Or it just so happens that I was over- thinking things out.

"The little Things"

2008-01-08T03:24:00.000-08:00

Too Often We Underestimate
The power of a Touch or a Smile
The simplest compliment
or the smallest act of kindness

all of which has potential

of turnings one's
life around

Is Bloggin the new 08'???

2008-01-08T03:22:00.000-08:00

Recently I came to conclusion that Blogging isn't all too bad..Others may think it as a way to publicly revealing your life -like a rock-star without the star life.- While I have another opinion to that. You don't have tell all, and frankly you don't even have to talk about whats going on in your so-called-life as well. Theres lots of randomly uneventful , yet opinionated things you can bore people about in your blog.
Give and take there are some that cant enough of openly admitting on how they live their life with details grant ya. I prefer the more less unrevealing and just plain out blahing more than blogging -pointless gestures that are full of randomness opinions that one could ever blog bout. Yes I'm completely boring and I love it!!.. I wont say any names...But Yes, "my names Heather and I'm a blogger"!!......
According to other sources blogging is remotely pointless...pssshhh.. We all have our 'ings" we like to do, Gamin, singin, facebookin, hackin, myspacin, golfin, there just hobbies, some take in a lil too much and mistakenly make it more of a part time job! Full -timers need treatment.!!!
So if you dont like it,, dont read it. I like to write, getting all my creative yet unmeaning things out, so my brain doesn't over heat...lol.. Judgment gets you no- where but lonely and with no friends. Or with friends that feel sorry for you and are just there cause they feel bad. hehe, Nah, people are not like that?? haha, yah ok, there's more fake people out there than there is Realism.
Whatever happen to just telling how it is. ?? Doing what you want, with no worries on what others are going to think. Welcome to the real world folks where judgment is not a flaw and people who try not judge others with one's Gossip and juicy 411's is not in with the new "in" . We all do it, talk about one another, gossip, and what not.. You don't hear someone talk bout their own Gossip. Unless they are completely into themselves. I don't mean good gossip either.
Girls tend to gossip more,,,,,bawahahaha,, um mm WRONG,... Both are charged equally!!
Men do it too..Not always all the same topic..You barely hear guys say, "hey dude turn around, see that guy?? what the hell was he thinking dressing like that???....Or do they??? ....

Another off the score board topic..Was at work today, I guess when your a housekeeper you tend to be invisible to others who think they are more important and more valuable. I had about 3-4 nurses just walk in front of me ,walk on my CLEAN "wet" floor, talk above me, and completely ignore that fact that I was there. Nothing against nurses. Please really, but its soo true. Doctors as well...Had one this one Doctor,... I was changing a garbage bag and as I was Putting a "New" bag in the garbage bucket, he threw his nasty snotty Kleenex in it. Hello,, whats up Doc?? Do you not see I'm changing the bag?? Wait Goddamn 5 seconds until I put I new on in!! Not like I walked away or anything leaving it bag less...Hello,,,I was standing Right over it with a new garbage bag in my hands...!Some peoples kids,,Ill tell ya..And this was a Doctor????, educated sure, but no manners. The stuff you see and the way you tend to get treated because of your job title, is unreal. People are so rude, and only thinking bout them selfs, instead of all working together!! Cant we all just work together?? Im in the same union make pretty much the same wages, but my job title does acquire cleaning people's asses and giving out meds. Don't come crying to me when you stumble over a wet floor sign making it CLEAR to you that the floor is wet and you slip. Wait a few minutes and go in there when its dry!!!! Frustrates me to the bitter bone!!!

Relationships 101

2008-01-07T17:51:00.000-08:00

So under the least...my day was filled with lots of interesting yet profoundly irrelevant things that had nothing to do with me......oh boy someone else's drama...
couldn't get any more disturbing yet I was drawn to it.!!

Like a fly circling around a lit light bulb for hours...nothing could distract me now!!! I was hooked ,,figured hell its someone else's worries not mine...for once..!! haha...
So I manage to keep it collective and perhaps threw my opinions here and there..Hey don't want to sound too involved right???..Until I realized I was too involved and I was actually being asked on self help and the big "what to Do's".. Shit... I'm not Dr. Phil,, nor Oprah...do I look like I could possibly help anyone...expect help with minor things.
The topic was about relationships. Oh boy... Sure, sit down have a seat,,got lots of info about that...I wanted to say to her your bf was a looser and you need to get rid of him before you hit more serious issues. But of course who listens to that..So I went with a friend of a friend story.. Seems to hit people with the reality moreless. Snap out of it girl, who needs a man with no intentions of ever making a future with you. In this day of age people tend to forget what they want, sit back and let the other person in the relationship run the show. Not sure where the show came from...but someone is always wanting to run it. I say fuck the show and make it dual.
She made it very clear that she wasn't happy and both had different views in life that were so off the record books. So continuing with my girl talk show down.
I was trying to make a point to her. That when it comes to dating theres always gives and takes. He didn't want kids... she did,...he didn't want to get married...she did...
There's a huge tie breaker right there. Your own wants and needs in a relationship can get tricky. If you really want something and the other person clearly doesn't. There's no point of even wasting time watching your relationship blossom into resentment. Unless your willing to not fill that manger void. Another thing she complained about was the way he was treating her.. Now I should talk. I've probably took more than what I should as a women and a person in ones life..But I was young and inane with fact that I was even worth something and I should be valued and treated equally. So therefore, now that I've been there done that so to speak, I can understand where problems can lie and whats really worth taking a second look. When your dating a man (in some cases boys) clearly he should be taking after your safety. Now I know this is 2008 and women are independent creatures . But whens its 3am in the morning and your bf is driving he's group of friends home and he doesn't make sure you at least take a taxi home . There is a problem. Now a days, people are cruel, things happen that shouldn't and a young girl walking home late at night in the middle of city, where's there drunks, punks trying to just have some fun. A young girl is a nice target. I'm sorry but if my bf doesn't at least take an interest in my safety then what does he care about??..
Now if something was to happen, and the police were involved , the statement would go something like this..".Well I was with my boyfriend with his friends, kissed him goodbye and I started walking home...??" ..what was your bf doing??
"He was driving he's friends home".....and made you walk??? wft???.... I don't care how far it is. It's the point of him not taking any care in world of your wellbeing. If you really care about a person, you want to make sure they get to where ever they are going safely,, am'I wrong?? ...Doesn't matter where to, where from, or how long it takes. Hell you care about your friends well being over someone your in a romantic relationship with?? I was flipped my lid when she told me this.
As she continued on, I got to thinking... Society in general makes the title being "single " such a horrible thing. I beg to differ. Sure its nice to cuddle up, kiss, yes there is always the sex, hold hands....blah blah...but whats the point when thats all it is. Unless of course thats what you want.
We all think that there's that special someone out there for us. When its all about timing. Secretly in our minds we know that the person that we are with at the particular moment is someone we want to be with, we just afraid to see it. Some cover it by saying "well they do this and they do that". But if there's more bad times than good times. Is there any point of staying miserable ?? Sure your happy sometimes. But if the things they are doing are certainly not livable and changeable. Than face the facts, you're worth more. Are we so scared to be alone that we bare and grim all the things we don't really want?? Took me a long time realize that there is always better, dating is a learning experience and you don't bite into the first apple you pick,...You have took look around a bit and find a nice looking no bruises clean cut apple..Some you find real quick and some may take a lil longer....Dating is like picking apples. You know when you find a rotten one and you know when found a good one!!!

Evaluation ?? Just a Matter of Thinking?

2008-01-04T07:42:00.000-08:00

So I woke this Morning....Hoping that Ill be feeling a lil bit better....Looks that like the more you sleep the more you feel like you've been hit across the head with a steal ratchet! ..Woke-up to the guy up-stairs listening to his loud metal music. Got me to wonder if I can hear his overly annoying tunes which was not really that loud even from listening from the hall ,,,, can you hear what I'm doing????....If you just listen,,, you can hear a lot. Seems like the walls are made out paper which can only mean yes,, he can hear everything I do. He's been here for 2 years,, perhaps has everyone in this building know whats been going on in my life with all the fights, the yelling, the 2am phone calls and unnecessary objects flying across the room. If so,, welcome all to live Jerry Springer and I'm the Unknown host. At this particular moment I'm not starting out my "New" of New Year out very well.. My cats In heat, and I want to cough up a lung. I'm getting to the point that the Indoor cat I once had ,, might be an Outdoor cat... I may just mistakingly leave the front door open. You think they would get the picture after so many unbelievable and unnecessary loud cries, that they would face the fact they are not getting any cat ass.. If female human acted like this, the world will never be that same. Bad enough the female body gets a low blow for having "pms" and being too emotional , highly sensitive creatures. I beg to differ, but thats only my opinion. Has the animal species step down a notch and just laid it out on the table.. When a feline is in heat or aka,,* Im Horny and I want some of that* they just cry out and scream until a Male comes and gives it to her.. Talk about control. If the only life was that simple. Typically the Male gets on , gets in and gets out, give or take she ends up being knocked up , and left with all the kitty bearing to take on herself,,hahaha go figure.!! Just boils down to sex and satisfying the natural urges. If the low food chain male cat can pick up and leave once the load is done, nor wonder why the human male does the same thing. Ever wonder why the divorce rate is so high. Its like a new trend. Oh well if it doesn't work out Ill just divorce them in a few months . Oh hell , lets not get married spread you're seeds around a bit, perhaps settle down for a bit when the important holidays come around, and then speed off faster than a drag car race. Wonder why I haven't been married, lived with anyone, for me to realize that they are just going to get bored with me anyways???? I'll be lying if I said I haven't been in-love, but when can we say.. are we there yet?? Its all about finding that special someone and living in a the bedroom dream fairy tale...Then you wake up and think wtf was I thinking.??? Relationships tend to be more stressful, disappointing and little by little chipping away from who we truly are. Then before you know it, you have the incredible high-towered wall from your heart being mangled around threw a blender a few times. Not being able to trust and being in the train of thought.."I will never Love again" Relationships are like second job, so you call in sick a few times, perhaps do somethings that gets you fired, and than add some more "experiences" to your resume. Are we overly Evaluating things?? and expected more than what we get???. Of course we are, you don't leave in the movies, this is real and uncensored. Blood, guts, pain, just gotta know when to call it quits. Break-ups happen, people get hurt, cheat, lie, corruptions never felt so good. Its who can hurt who first and come out with the big powerful firework display!!! Everyone does it, lets things go at first. (you know the lil things that bother you about them.) Think,....... well maybe they will change,?? or it doesn't bother me that much,!!??? until a few months, years, later thats the first thing you bring up first when you know its going to end. Well I shoulda ...woulda.... coulda.... The whole "trial period" shouldn't be taken so lightly.

One out of 3.....:)

2008-01-04T00:24:00.000-08:00

You can only pick ONE out of the 3..

Corona, Smirnoff or Bud light?
Corona.. fo sho

Flowers, Candy, or Cards?
ummm cards??.. :)

Beer, Wine, or Mixed drinks:
Beer

Football, soccer or baseball:
Football GO COWBOYS!!! ( hot muscle men in tight pants)

Kiss, Hand Holding, or Hug?
Kissing

Buy, Borrow, or Lease:
Buy

Ford, Chevy, or Dodge.
Ford

Email, Telephone, or Letter?
Letter

California, New York, or Florida?
California

Kisses on the Neck, Stomach, or Ears?
Kisses on the neck !!! :P

Morning, Afternoon, or Night?
Night

Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Halloween:
umm i guess xmas,, not the one of my fave's...St, Patty's Day is MY ALL TIME FAVE

Dogs, Cats, or Hamsters:
umm dogs,, but i like cats too..
.
Beach, Mountains, or Desert
Beach who doesn't like the beach!??!!

Cookies, Cake, or Brownies
mmm depends,, is it homemade??? ill take whatever that is homemade!!

March, July, or October:
- October

Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner:
Dinner

Giver, Sharer, or Keeper:
Giver

Eyes, Nose, or Mouth:
hmmm eyes are always nice, but mouth hmm has its appeal

Friends that lie, Enemies that pretend to be your friend, or Alone:
Alone

1. last beverage:
Green Tea

2. last in-coming call:
Work

3. last cd played:
who listens to cd's anymore?? lol...

4. last time you cried:
ummm its been awhile....

5. last text message:
Korry

THIS MONTH HAVE YOU.

1. Made a new friend?
Yes

2. Laughed until you cried?
well almost in tears...

3. Met someone who changed your life?
umm in the past month,,?? dont recall no..

4. Found out who are your true friends?
Yup

5.How many kids do you want to have?
umm not sure..

6. Do you have any pets?
yes two trouble makin cats

7. Do you wanna change your name?
nope..all good there

8. What did you do yesterday?
stayed home,....Im sick with a COLD:(

9. Do you get butterflies when you talk to that "special" someone?
butterflies??
well i wouldn't say it was butterflies,,but its something:D

10. What were you doing at 10:30 p.m last night?
umm i think watchin a movie..and talkin on msn...

11. last time you saw your father
on Tuesday

12. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?
would of went to school and could of been more serious with what I do for a living

13. What are you listening to right now?
nothing...

14. Mariah, Madonna, Christina or Britney?
Madonna

Somethiing New to Try

2008-01-03T22:51:00.000-08:00

well

......So I figured hmmm .....what can i do this year that I never did, that could be fun, new and exciting ??? ummm.....Oh I know......start blogging !!!???

its a new year...Why the Hell not!!

I cant believe its already 2008,,, my gosh where in the heck did this year go??? Seems like the older you get the faster time goes by, the more you learn and possibly more you want to forget.. Accomplish things that you never thought you could or more less walk daily with one eye closed and hope for the best????. I just hope this year something happens thats actually good for a change. Good and Change is something I haven't seen in a long ass time!!!. I managed to do a lot of stupid and unsuccessful things this past year. Although I've made some friends, had some laughs and did some of my own housecleaning from last year. Adjusting to those Housecleanings-aka *getting rid of anything dirty, and destructive such as an old bf!!!!*... well wasn't something I enjoyed. Well actually kinda....But it was all worth it in the end... So now Im left with a clean page for this year,,, so far,, I started this year with a COLD...yes,, indeed,, New Years Eve,, I kinda felt blah,, draggy,, the feeling that you know when you feel like your going to be sick with a cold. Sure enough New Years Day, I WAS SICK,, :(

Coughing, Running noise, like the shit'in a Basket....Ya for me...Not looking up to what I want. Although if all this year brings me is a cold, and perhaps some lil lows here and there...I can manage that!!! You cant have your Hi's in Life without the downers...

Just glad I was off for the Holidays!! Hurray, ya goin on 8 years of working at the hospital its about damn time I get it off. I've worked every Christmas since 99, and this Year I got BOTH New Years and Christmas off..I don't mind working there though I cant complain. Good Befits, pays my rent, my bills...So,, in all fairness its all good. Have seen a lot of stuff though,. Things I'd rather not. People dying, the sick getting sicker, Families forgetting about love ones. and sometimes even the care not so well...But all people say about that is "well thats life"...I have some favorites and seen some of them pass away which is hard. All goes with the Job I guess..Just try not to bring it home with me, not forgetting , just leaving it somewhere else.

Thats why I love being on my own,.Moved out when I was like 19-20years of age. Absolutely love it!!! Can walk around in my panties and Bra, come home at all hours, have anyone over whenever, eat whatever I want, everything I have is MINE. Although I worked my ass off for it, and I do go without something considering I don't not have a room-mate. Never really liked the whole idea with having a room-mate. Having to worry about someone else,?? I can barely take care of myself let alone having to deal with another person hide away secrets. I like my place clean,, not like overly clean though, just tidy and things kept in their place. I've had previous Bf's not live with me, but stay over a lot. After awhile, you learn that people change after a good year, and dirty habits and secret ways of living come out. Its all in the matter if you can live with it and be able to manage and still be happy...Lets just say in the dating scene I failed miserably.

But who knows

I guess you just know

who's the right

person