Wanna Do,,,Wanna Go,,,Should I go?

What you doing to me
I cant let you go
Even though you keeping me frustrated
It still feels so right
I try so hard not to be jaded
Every time you lie
Try so hard to
Get you off my mind
You know that I be running back to you
My love is blind
I know it this isn't right
He won more time
Like there's too much to leave behind
Want to move on
But I cant
No I just cant let you go
Cuz I been loving you too long
Take it back to how it was
You know I'm going crazy
I cant do this no more
I just cant let you go
I keep on coming back for more
Told myself now its over
But I still love ya
I cant let you go

I don't think time will ever make it
No matter how hard I try
But you convince im mistaken
When you go and do the things you
We used to do
That made me fall for you
Then you turn around
And say something
That proves me right
this aint right
I know I'm a fool
To think that I need you in my life
I should know better but
When im with you
I forget about the past
I know im just playin myself
But I don't care
I don't wanna let you go neither
When I get upset or frustrated

Too much alcohol or simply not enough???

So Here we are march 12th already..OMG did this year ever fly by.. 2008?? Oh boy..Im going to be 25 this year???..!!!!!! Ahhhhh...Im getting older...BOOOOOOO.
Anyways , the point is this blog is, the truth to be told, I dont know when and My bf got together. I don't even know how long we've been dating...LoL..Its all such a blur to me. I do remember St.Pattys day, WE GOT TOGETHER lol..Hint hint hint....I believe we we're even together before than..I dont remember the first time we slept together..Kinda horrible isnt? Makes me wonder if I was drinking too much and the alcohol impaired me to not remember... Shouldn't I remember things like that? . Hell I cant even recall when he met my parents nor when I met his. When did we consider each other as a couple?? He don't remember either , although doesn't really surprise me,.,. I kinda think he wasn't sure if he wanted to date me right away. I know he wanted to sleep around with me., but didn't feel that he wanted to actually be with me. Now, this is where I think I get my doubt feelings from. That he only was with me cause of the sex. Although I do recall things going down with his friend and me pretty much giving him an talking to on how I felt about us and what we we're and what not. I hate not knowing at least a lil bit, .. Like I was more so a convince to him. That I was a good piece of ass and it was just blended into something more. I'm not saying I didn't feel the same. But I know that I didn't want to be friends with benefits, and I do recall feeling that way with him at one time. I've been thinking a lot of what I want in my future where I want to be, what I may want, who's in it, blah blah blah. I remember though when we did get together, feeling like the other girl. He was friends with a mutual friend of ours, he lived with her at one time but moved out shortly before we got together. (hint hint)(lol) . I actually hung out with her, went to clubs, went shopping, lunches, and all kinds of stuff. I Recall feeling like I was just there, and never knowing my place. He cater to her a lot when we we're together, well hanging out. It always seemed like he just totally cared about her too much and I was just a rebound. Really thats how I felt. I know now, thats where A lot of my -self doubts come from when it has to do with how I feel with staying together and knowing if this is what I want. I cant seem to get it out of my head. Sucks. But its true. I care about him a lot. I do..I just hate the fact that I will never really know what I mean to him., and if she came to him asking for a second chance would he take it? I already feel like the second girl, even now at times. She doesn't even talk to me, ignores me, but completely talks to him, does whatever with, says whatever, and the sad thing is he lets her do it. I really don't know how to feel, I have that over my head and it bothers me to know end. Was I just a girl to get over her and he just happen to like me in the end. I do remember asking him about if I was a rebound, and I of course he said no, Why would he say yes..lol...Talk about shooting yourself in the Nuts!!!
I just hate it, hate to think that he could be just faking everything. That he feels that he just has to be with me , that he felt obligated kinda like he was just like "meh oh well...I at least I wont be alone for Christmas and get steady sex!!.. I guess what I'm saying is he didn't put much effort in us in the beginning, at all..We pretty much was just having sex. Hanging out at my house. After so long I got tired of it. Really how is that suppose to make me feel? I told him straight out, we can hang out, but no sex, or just actually date. I don't even remember when it was I said that to him, in other words I was thinking he was sleeping around with other women, or sleeping with a certain someone. I think I brought this up a few times to him, that I didn't want to be friends with benefits! Now in all fairness, I didn't have feelings for him in the beginning . I just knew I didn't want to used. I believe it went on for a while, before we even told anyone that we even slept together. I don't even think we even went out at all much together either. I was feeling like Im good enough to sleep with, but Iam not good enough to be with?? After so long of sleeping together, kinda gets to you. Not sure what to do about it. Having to deal with Chantel all the time. Having her in my life the way she is, Iam really not sure If I can handle it. Having to doubt things with him because the way she is all over him while Im IN the SAME room!! Im really not a jealous type, she doesn't even make me Jealous its more less I can see her for some reason hurting a bit cause we are together and I know she just wants to hurt me. Now I don't know If my bf would ever cheat on me with her. I like to say No. But sadly I wouldn't put my life on it. I wouldn't be surprised that they we're together while Him and I we're just talking and getting to know each other. Only because I felt like he was still in love with her, how he acted, how when she would call or txt him, I honestly can say he would jump, leave me to see her and come back later on. Yes, I totally told him how I felt when it was going on., but that fact of him letting it go on, and kinda to this day (not as bad though) . just really makes me wonder. I won't lie, I probably should of let myself be single for a bit longer before him and I got together, but it kinda just happen.. Like even in August of this year,, we had some issues with her, saying things, and he letting it just slid. I really thought he didn't want to be with me. I was just the middle person to make someone get jealous. Really hurts to have that stuck in my head , to wonder what I really do mean.

Next To You

3am and I wish that I was sleeping
You're in my mind like a song playing on the radio
All I know is that I want to get close to you
Laying there turning the minutes into hours
To find the nerve to message you
You don't know that I wanna be close to you
Yeah it's 5 in the morning and I can't go to sleep
Cause I wish you knew what you mean to me
What do I have to say? What do I gota do?
How to get the one you want to want to get close to you?

Again another awaking yet Sleepless Night.

I'm starting to think there something wrong with me lately. It s 2:30am I'm sleepy, but I can't seemed to fall asleep. I've been going threw this endless nights of not sleeping going to work and then crashing when I get home. Yet only for a few hours. I began to think,,,I'm over thinking. Yes. I've been stressed out a bit with family, bf, hours at work, money situations etc..Does it really give my body a hard toll on the sleep aid. It's come to the point where I'm either thinking about one thing or another and letting my mind wonder instead of it sleeping. I came to the conclusion that this week I may just stop by my doctors and get some sleeping pills to help with those nights. I've been on them before when I in my early 20's. I was dealing with somethings that happen to me , going to counseling and what not. I found they helped, but only for a short period because I refused to take them all the time. I've gotten to the point where I'm taking Advil , just to make my self a bit drowsy so I can calm my thoughts and actually get some sleep. I can not stand it being up, when I know I have to work in the morning and have plans after my long uneventful sleepless day at work. I don't think right, I'm moody. Hell the other night I was up for over 24hours, no sleep, no naps, worked, and boy let me tell you I wanted to cry I was so over tired. I wish I could just shut my brain off, and let my body do its thing.
So with all this said. Think Friday I'll call the doc and see what I can do. Not much of a pill popper but I need to do something. The stress level so up high that its not going to go away anytime soon.

Great on Paper, Not in Person

Should you hang out in a comfortable relationship, even if you know he or she isn't "The One?"

Im currently doing some house cleaning and not too sure where to start. My bf and I get a long great, though I feel something missing. . He's smart, older ,not into the bar scene every weekend, well-dressed, intelligent, and came from a nice family.. He had never cheated on a girlfriend that i know of . He even professed a desire to get married someday. He treats me well, but I kinda feel that there's no passion.

Even his flaws are fairly livable. There was no alcoholism , no trail of ex-wives or illegitimate children. Sure,he passes out before 12pm. He's not really that romantic, but still finds ways to let me know how he feels. You're thinking what the heck am'I complaining about..lol
But, really, nothing too horrible. On paper, he was the perfect guy. In person, however, was an entirely different story
Not that it was bad, it just wasn't that good. It sort of took me a while to realize that he wasn't "The One." We always have a good time together, we rarely argued, and I like his friends and family. The signs that maybe we shouldn't be together were murky at best. Im never really unhappy with him despite little things that rubbed me the wrong way,

Sometimes I'd think about ending the relationship, but with no real catalyst like a big knock-down, drag-out fight (and there are generally no lovers quarrels if you're not really emotionally connected) I hardly gave a breakup much consideration. We got along well, our friends hung out together, he's so laid back, perhaps maybe he's too laid for me?????. Im the type who likes to get out, do new things, spend time with friends, rather than stay home all the time and watch movies. I sometimes feel Im draggin him out and he's only going out with me because he has too. Im 24 going on 25 and he's 34 going to be 35.. Is are age difference really getting in the way of the spark??.. Like don't get me wrong. I love him I do. But I kinda feel at times he's only with me because Im young pretty, and besides what 34 old man wants to be alone..???...????

This type of dilemma is actually quite common when you're in a situation where you get along well, but the sparks just aren't there. But here's what you have to ask yourself: If your guy or girl is really perfect for you on paper, then why aren't there any sparks? And should you hang out in a comfortable relationship indefinitely, even if you know he or she isn't "The One?"

Got me to think about definition of passion from your heart? Or is it more of an expectation, driven by soap operas and cable television? Think about the relationships you've had where you did feel passion -- were they with bad boys who treated you like dirt? Women who barely acknowledged you existed until they needed a new drink? Sometimes we mix up passion with danger -- so a nice, sweet guy or girl who really might be right for us doesn't make our palms sweat because they're, well, nice.

I'll have the veal. No, the chicken. No, the veal

The second thing you need to ask yourself is why you're not feeling sparks if this person really is perfect on paper. Do you really want what you want?
If he looks good on paper, but your having second thoughts , you need to think about whether what you've been looking for is what you really want. Or, is it what somebody else convinced you that you should want, like Mom, or your gaggle of married girlfriends.

Third, your intuition could be telling you something. If he or she is technically exactly what you're looking for but something's just not right, it could be your intuition picking up on some little clues. And, the truth is, every day you spend with Mr. (or Ms.) Right Now is a day you're missing out with Mr. (or Ms.) Right.

As far as my "On Paper" guy was concerned, frankly, I don't think I was his "One" any more but both of us were comfortable hanging out and having fun.
I really don't know what to do. I don't want to string him along. Than again I sometimes feel that I'm being stringed along, and I'm just a nice look arm decoration. I guess I just feel alone a lot.
He is very closed off, doesn't say how he feels too often, drives me nuts . I'am Selfish for wanting to be romance once in awhile to know that he cares about me without him even saying it. Its been awhile since he just kissed me for no reason. In some cases I do a lot of physical part, and he just goes for the ride. Though no relationship is perfect, maybe this is just one our low times rather than high......

airless

If I should go before I awake
Because you had took my air away
Losing you is like living in the world without no air

I’m here alone, didn’t want you to leave
My heart can't Beat its incomplete
Is there a way to make you understand?

How Do you expect me to live alone in this world with just me?
When my world revolves around you
It’s so hard for me to breathe
So hard for me to leave

Can’t live, can’t have a life without any air
That’s how I feel whenever you're not here
But somehow I’m still alive
You took my breath and I did survive
I don’t know how but I don’t even care
Have me out here in the water so deep
Now I'm Drowning without no air.
There’s no air, no air

Snow Flakes Are fallin on my Head!!

Gosh I hate snow, the cold, icy roads, I can not stand WINTER. Love the nice hot weather, summer days of wearing flip flops, the hot wind in my air, the smell of flowers, being able to leave my house without bundling up. Oh boy oh boy...I want summer. LOL.
Anyways, the weekend was amazing. Although Friday was absolutely horrible. I didn't sleep at all, and I had to work the next morning. I ended up pulling a all niter . Gosh it was not going well. So I stayed home and slept. Worked Saturday morning which wasn't too bad. I went out with the girls Saturday night...LOL..OH gosh..It was so much fun. I haven't hung out with them in a long time. We went to the Room, which was ok, because I haven't been there in a long time. It's nice not going to the clubs and then going. You have a better time that way:D I miss hanging out with my girl friends. Not so much the club scene but I do miss just hanging out with them. We danced,, drank, danced,...did I say we danced???.. I have lots of pics, had a blast!!! I never had that much fun in a real long time. Not that I dont have fun with other people. It's just that it was like old times when we we're like 22 and going out..Miss those girls. :D
Was also nice because my bf didn't give me hard time about going. I used to being yelled at and having to fight and all upset before heading out. No-wonder why I drank a lot. lol. I didn't drink a lot on Saturday there was no need too. But before when I used to go out I would drink a lot because I was so pissed off. Really nice to have a mature Bf, that tells me to have a good time and he'll talk to me tomorrow sorta deal.