Ups and Downs, Smiles And Frowns.

So its been awhile since I wrote anything on here. SORRY..Been out of it , nothing really to share Well, there is, but I'd rather not talk about it on here. So., with that being said, Im goin to NEW YORK tomorrow. I leave at like 1pm, I should be SO EXCITED to go, I know I know. I'am , but I just have so much on my mind right now it's hard to concentrate on the trip. See the thing is, my boyfriend and I (well this is only the way I feel) arent doing too well. I feel like we are just falling into a routine, the way we spend time, have sex, even how we communicate. Plus I found something(s)on my computer the other day, that for some reason I cant seem to get over. Not too sure if he was even on those sites (dating/single sites) He says no, but I just cant get pass it. Plus He has a friend that just recently ended a relationship and he seems to be seeking out a partner in crime to pick up women. Guess what, my bf is the one he is seeking too. I know I shouldnt be worried, but thats all I tend to think when and if he does go out with him. That he is picking up along with his friend or at least having interest(s) in other women. I have such a hard time trusting seems like its more of a hassle being in a relationship, I cause more harm then good. All Ive been doing to rethinking on what he'll be doing while Im out of town. He's buddy is all about picking up and pretty much getting laid. It's hard not to think about what situations he'll be in and if he can actually say no, and be actually thinking of me. He's not very open to me at all, though I will admit he has been a lot better since I talked to him on my feelings. Why do I feel like he is hiding something, that I can be easily replaced, I'm not afraid of commitment but I'm afraid that someone can't be completely committed to me. Lately (these past few months) I've been thinking of taking a break, and maybe not being in relationship possibly that will help me get over my trust issues. I think maybe when I got out of mine 2 and half year and then some relationship with my ex really FUCKED me over. Maybe I didn't take enough time to be alone and have sometime to myself. Though a second part of me feels that he is serious about me, and he wouldnt do anything like . That is it just my OWN insecurities just getting the best of me.
I don't want the world, I just want to feel like I'm important, needed, and wanted. Rather than just being there for he's lonely times. When he does come over, seems like all he does is SLEEP. Even with the sex, seems like I have to start it, and even than, he seems like he's not there. There other night we had a little mess up with him being able to (the best way to put it) perform. Got me thinking way too much!! Like is he if attracted to me?Im not sexy enough? That Im not even remotely cute enough for him to keep it up????..Made me feel like crap when that happen, and its not even the first time that this has happen. Of course We we're drinking a bit, and when I realized that he lost it, I kinda fell apart. With all the other things going on with us, that was the last thing I needed. So of course I started balling like a school girl. LOL. Sure enough he notice that I started crying when I said nothing was wrong. He tried to reassure me that it had nothing to do with me. That he loved me and he didn't want to see me cry. Sounds like a something that he thought I wanted to hear if you ask me. Of course he is going to say something like that.!!! So with that all being said, Im going to try not to think about it so much and have fun while Im In NEW YORK. Not everyday you get a chance to go there. Kinda wish that Ill be able to check out the clubs there, nightlife etc. But oh well. At least I get too see it. Another thing recently that kinda bothered me too, is that I dyed my hair. Got rid of blonde and you know he didnt even NOTICE at all,!! Wow, that made me feel so great about myself, like is he even Looking at me?? That he can't even notice my Hair Colour! I'm totally darker now, and he didnt even take a second glance at me.!!! But He'll notice any other Hot girl that happens to be on the computer and I dont want to even know what he does when a good looking girl walks by him! Sure Im sexy to him when he's had a few drinks and perhaps he catches other men looking at me. Than Im good for him. But other times. Im just there in the background and when He feels like it maybe he'll pay some attention to me. Seriously, Im not playing games like that, nor do I want to feel like Im always seeking out to be notice,