So Here we are march 12th already..OMG did this year ever fly by.. 2008?? Oh boy..Im going to be 25 this year???..!!!!!! Ahhhhh...Im getting older...BOOOOOOO.
Anyways , the point is this blog is, the truth to be told, I dont know when and My bf got together. I don't even know how long we've been dating...LoL..Its all such a blur to me. I do remember St.Pattys day, WE GOT TOGETHER lol..Hint hint hint....I believe we we're even together before than..I dont remember the first time we slept together..Kinda horrible isnt? Makes me wonder if I was drinking too much and the alcohol impaired me to not remember... Shouldn't I remember things like that? . Hell I cant even recall when he met my parents nor when I met his. When did we consider each other as a couple?? He don't remember either , although doesn't really surprise me,.,. I kinda think he wasn't sure if he wanted to date me right away. I know he wanted to sleep around with me., but didn't feel that he wanted to actually be with me. Now, this is where I think I get my doubt feelings from. That he only was with me cause of the sex. Although I do recall things going down with his friend and me pretty much giving him an talking to on how I felt about us and what we we're and what not. I hate not knowing at least a lil bit, .. Like I was more so a convince to him. That I was a good piece of ass and it was just blended into something more. I'm not saying I didn't feel the same. But I know that I didn't want to be friends with benefits, and I do recall feeling that way with him at one time. I've been thinking a lot of what I want in my future where I want to be, what I may want, who's in it, blah blah blah. I remember though when we did get together, feeling like the other girl. He was friends with a mutual friend of ours, he lived with her at one time but moved out shortly before we got together. (hint hint)(lol) . I actually hung out with her, went to clubs, went shopping, lunches, and all kinds of stuff. I Recall feeling like I was just there, and never knowing my place. He cater to her a lot when we we're together, well hanging out. It always seemed like he just totally cared about her too much and I was just a rebound. Really thats how I felt. I know now, thats where A lot of my -self doubts come from when it has to do with how I feel with staying together and knowing if this is what I want. I cant seem to get it out of my head. Sucks. But its true. I care about him a lot. I do..I just hate the fact that I will never really know what I mean to him., and if she came to him asking for a second chance would he take it? I already feel like the second girl, even now at times. She doesn't even talk to me, ignores me, but completely talks to him, does whatever with, says whatever, and the sad thing is he lets her do it. I really don't know how to feel, I have that over my head and it bothers me to know end. Was I just a girl to get over her and he just happen to like me in the end. I do remember asking him about if I was a rebound, and I of course he said no, Why would he say yes..lol...Talk about shooting yourself in the Nuts!!!
I just hate it, hate to think that he could be just faking everything. That he feels that he just has to be with me , that he felt obligated kinda like he was just like "meh oh well...I at least I wont be alone for Christmas and get steady sex!!.. I guess what I'm saying is he didn't put much effort in us in the beginning, at all..We pretty much was just having sex. Hanging out at my house. After so long I got tired of it. Really how is that suppose to make me feel? I told him straight out, we can hang out, but no sex, or just actually date. I don't even remember when it was I said that to him, in other words I was thinking he was sleeping around with other women, or sleeping with a certain someone. I think I brought this up a few times to him, that I didn't want to be friends with benefits! Now in all fairness, I didn't have feelings for him in the beginning . I just knew I didn't want to used. I believe it went on for a while, before we even told anyone that we even slept together. I don't even think we even went out at all much together either. I was feeling like Im good enough to sleep with, but Iam not good enough to be with?? After so long of sleeping together, kinda gets to you. Not sure what to do about it. Having to deal with Chantel all the time. Having her in my life the way she is, Iam really not sure If I can handle it. Having to doubt things with him because the way she is all over him while Im IN the SAME room!! Im really not a jealous type, she doesn't even make me Jealous its more less I can see her for some reason hurting a bit cause we are together and I know she just wants to hurt me. Now I don't know If my bf would ever cheat on me with her. I like to say No. But sadly I wouldn't put my life on it. I wouldn't be surprised that they we're together while Him and I we're just talking and getting to know each other. Only because I felt like he was still in love with her, how he acted, how when she would call or txt him, I honestly can say he would jump, leave me to see her and come back later on. Yes, I totally told him how I felt when it was going on., but that fact of him letting it go on, and kinda to this day (not as bad though) . just really makes me wonder. I won't lie, I probably should of let myself be single for a bit longer before him and I got together, but it kinda just happen.. Like even in August of this year,, we had some issues with her, saying things, and he letting it just slid. I really thought he didn't want to be with me. I was just the middle person to make someone get jealous. Really hurts to have that stuck in my head , to wonder what I really do mean.
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