Ive Been

I’ve been holding on to nothing at all, I seem so weak,
Broken down by crumbling walls beyond my reach
Think I had it all but a sense of disbelieve.
Just one shot and I’m gone, call it my defeat.
Forgotten memories haunts me while I sleep,
With the intent to break me down, no chance to retreat.
Different faces, certain glances infected me

I’ve been stumbling down, when you’re not around, let the walls hold me
Falling apart, broken down, watch me bleed out,
I'm trapped with choice of in or out
Damage is done; moment is passed, no way of taking it back

Hit the bottle, toxic measures makes me feel free
Controlling factors, certain lessons are suppose to be
I've been moving around always going down and yet all I see
Is the different places, familiar face, surrounded me
The Darkness falls that brings along the feel for relief.
Stuck in a whole, no way out, not prepared to speak.
Wanting it all, spinning around, till I feel heat



I’ve been stumbling down, when you’re not around, let these walls hold me
Falling apart, broken down, watch me bleed out,
I'm trapped with choice of in or out
Damage is done; moment is passed no way of looking back



Strangers making moments, can feel so wrong but seem so right
When no ones around and I'm all alone its show on me
Unwritten words covers the my skin which I don’t want too see
Twiddling shadows, the senseless hours complete the night
Got lost in the moment, go lost with the new


I’ve been stumbling down, when you’re not around, let these walls hold me
Falling apart, broken down, watch me bleed out,
I'm trapped with choice of in or out
Damage is done; moment is passed no way of looking back

I’m holding on to nothing at all, its feels so weak,
Been broken down by crumbling walls beyond my reach


Written by Heather Keogh

Never Changing

I'd whispered I was getting tired,
But this look in my eyes,
feels like ,more like goodbye.
So I'll Hold onto my secrets for one more night.
Don't need to know , I'm ok with the silence
You said things would change, but nothings has nor ever will.
It's truth that I don't want to feel, when my world stands still.

Hiding regrets in my smile
There's a storm passing threw, I've seen it coming for awhile
So I just hold on for one more night,
Won't say a word, I'm used to you being preoccupied anyways.
But this truth Im holding onto is gonna change everything.

Can you lie to me and tell me that it's all gonna change
Can you lie to me and tell me, I wont feel so alone even when your in the same room
I can wait a while before you tear me apart,

When the feelings creep back, as this light shines threw,
You Can see the cracks, you can see right threw
Let it be dark for one more night. When you wake up I wont be insight.
I Won't say a word, I'm used to you being preoccupied anyways.
But this truth Im holding onto is gonna change in every way

Can you lie to me and tell me that it's all gonna change
Can you lie to me and tell me that I wont feel alone,
I can wait a while before you tear me apart,

I Don't believe in happy endings
So shall we stop pretending?
Tomorrow's all wrong if I don't walk away

Can you lie to me and tell me that it's all gonna change
Can you lie to me and tell me that I wont feel alone,
I can wait a while before I tear us apart,

Lately Ive been thinking on what can make you happy ...I mean really truly happy. ? It could be something someone said. Something that is not living, living, a thought, a memory, a moment, a action, a reflection, a past, the future, a eventful motion, most of all what makes you happy,? Not just a smile, I mean where at that particular moment you feel like its the best feeling in the world and you never would trade it for second. ( I dont mean something you bought. ) Material things can not make you happy, sure it can for the time being, but sorry it gets old. Unless its like a heart , lol a biotic heart, so it keeps you alive...LOL What Im getting down to is what makes you feel so incredible that you never want to let go of that moment

Here's what I think..how I feel what Happiness can do your soul.... !










Happiness is the look you get from just a smile.
Happiness is the feeling of accomplishment.
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
Would you know when to let it in?

Happiness could feel like sorrow
something more than you can explain and even more you want to explore.
Let it be, you can't make it, let it come or go
But when your gone, its gone, done for good,

Happiness is like lighting hitting on my headboard
the feeling of ones embrace you lead on.
So careful, light your fuse and get away
‘Cause your happiness can throw a few sparks

Happiness can either break you or make you
Breaks your beliefs throws our pieces to the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a can be bomb to your sorrow

Happiness is like the young flower, give it sometime and it still gets old.
Happiness can be smell from a past you lived before, but yet it could smother you like mold
Then one day, you, wake up and find yourself missing home

Imperfectly

I've cried over a thousand times
Is there anything I can say here to dry these eyes?
Make it better if I could, just need to realize
I cry , when you cry, I hurt when you hurt
I make mistakes and I cant turn back my time.


Forgive me (I'm only human)
Release me ( Help me find ......)
Save me from myself (I'm no super woman)
Embrace me (I'm fragile and broken)

I'm imperfectly human
Can't always walk the dotted line.
I'm imperfectly human
I struggle to survive

Looking in this glass mirror and a stranger's looking back
What are you afraid of, girl? The unknown future or the past?
Cant see the real me when you're hiding and you bleed too fast.

I'm imperfectly human
Can't always walk the dotted line.
I'm imperfectly human
I struggle to survive

What tears us apart is what brings it together
Everything that makes it different really brings it closer

I'm imperfectly human
I just might cry at night
I'm imperfectly human
Think I have it together but never see the real insights.

Change

So Maybe the world doesn't see you and maybe they can't understand
You don't always see the footprints , though it doesn't mean you can't feel the sand
Perhaps your grounded by strangers
So it seems so alone and carried by pain
But when everyone stands in the darkness everyone looks to blame
Now everyone has a story and each of them never ends the same.
Too live for the days where nothing seems to be worth meaning
And you want to give up your purpose

When your face to face, eye to eye
with the choices that have got you blinded.
Sometimes its the start of a new beginning that comes formed and just one sided.
Now we all live in that fear of when that day comes when these memories are all we have.
So that fire which burns is natural and it keeps you warm when its cold.

Now all I wanna do is laugh again and see that same joy in my mind
Trying to keep on smiling but everything passes with time.

Blank

I've been alone for many nights now
And I've been waiting for my stars to fall

I keep holding on for what, I don't know
So here I am, staring at the moonlight
Wondering what your feeling,
How you see things.
Maybe you're somewhere thinking of me
Just to be with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do

And I can't imagine being two worlds apart,
They would have to Come together eventually
And when they finally meet I'll know, what feels right.
I'll be at the end of my restless road
Just to be held by you Could you ever let go?
What I wouldn't give to feel that way

And when you're standing here in front of me
Alone by my side
You take me where I've never been
Help me find my feet again
Show me that good things come to those who wait
Tell me I'm not on my own
Tell me you don't want to be alone
Tell me what I'm feeling isn't some mistake

Save me from myself,
Cause it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight we would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend

When you look at me
Can you Tell me, what do you see?
Cause you're everything that brought me there, brought me here

Only you can take me sailing in those deepest eyes
Bring me to my knees and make me cry

This is where it all begins
So tell me it will never end
I can't fool myself, it's you and no one else

Is this All

I hang up the phone
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside
It was a rush, what a rush
Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same
It's just too much,

Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever do is think about you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just have to know

Do you ever think about me?
When you're all alone
And Where this thing could go ?
Am I crazy or just falling in love
Is it real or just another lush?
Do you find yourself and have to catch your breath
When I look at you ?
Feel like you must hold back
The way I do

Do I ever crossed your mind ?
When were hanging out , spending time
That we're more than just friends
Is this all, or is this where it all begins?

......

I'm a little used to being outside in the rain
I wont see you tonight so I can keep from going insane
Can't seem to find the words , so I spell it out in vein.

I've been fabulous through I often want to run away
Gave so much that not too sure where to turn, seems to me you think this is just a game.


Cause it's hard for me to lose out in something else
In my life I've found only time can see the truth
And it's hard for me to lose in my life
I've found outside your skin's right near the fire
When the minutes feel like the clock goes by the hour.

I'm a little used to wandering outside the rain
You can leave me tomorrow if it suits you just the same
But I know enough, I need someone who wants feel the same.

Best thing to do.

Can't let me regret when I say this
Its just something I can't let go without it being missed
Could it be better to keep my mouth shut??
Thats something in my new making.
So I Call, what can go really go wrong.??
Left here alone with just this song.

Maybe I would have been something you could appreciate
Maybe you would have been something great
Now we'll never know
No reason to be sad
But in this case, spent too many lonely nights.
Everyday, hoping to feel your in-brace
No chance that I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
But I still think it's for the better if;
You take your time coming home
Think that's for the best

So I Call, what can go really go wrong.??
Left here alone with just this song.

Maybe I would have been something you could appreciate
Maybe you would have been something I could Tolerate
I guess we'll never know......

How did we??...

You used to hold my hand while we walked down the street, now you just stay way too far from me.
You used to talked with me late at night. Now you just fall right to sleep.
Could always make you laugh with all the lame things I did
Now all you do is look at me with that ugly look you give.

When the fling has gone, and the spark is out......
When the the smiles are gone and there's nothing left but doubt
The silent ways turns into screams and I'm pounder just one thing. .....

How did we get this way?
How can we just move on?
How do you feel at the end of the day when it seems that everything we had is gone??
Is it cause you want to be free? That we rather not be?
Normally I'm can leave and not let it dazzle me.
Knowing Our forever will never be

When love we had was so sweet and brand new
You used to undress me with your bright loved filled eyes
Now you can't bother to touch me and you tell me it's too late.

You said some things that you can never take back
It's like we're on the opposite side and love is what we lack
We opened up the can of worms, cause everything wiggles out of place.

Now should we stay together cause we're scared to be alone?
I got so used to this loud substance, it kind of feels like home
The Loneliness feels like the comfort of someone's warm embrace.
Knowing that our forever will never be the case.

No air.

Have you ever felt like you had everything you ever wanted but come to realize you really dont have anything at all.??? That you cover up emotions, thoughts , pain , regret, hurt and most of all your lonesomeness. That you're stuck somewhere feeling like you're invisible, treated good but not good enough???. When you stop and think about generation after generation, what a person goes threw in a lifetime, relationships, heart ache the conquer, the ups and downs , smiles and frowns, chances are nothing has change. We're just living in a more colourful world, more hate less emotion toward each other some not caring about anything but them self's. I yet to feel truly happiness, within myself and to be honest who Im dating. I think everything is good and ok.But when I really come to think about it, the things that don't happen, that lack in our relationship really do mean a lot me. I rack my mind on how I can change it, but really who Iam I kidding and better yet why should I try and change someone that isn't right for me??! Habits are hard to break, mind set ways, its like an out going cycle we will never accomplish. Not at all saying that we cant change. Cause we certainly can make a 360° degree change and make it for the better nor the worse for that matter. Feels like Im stuck in a middle of a pool barely swimming yet have enough to keep my head up for air.............

A number just a number??? OR is it????

Ive been weighing out the good and bad of this years bday. Yes folks my 24 year old days are OVER. New check box here I come. So far there hasnt been too much good, but other than meh It's just a number. When I was younger I thought Oh wow by 25 Ill be married perhaps, nice job, nice home, never having to worry about cash flow etc. NOT. Im not married, I have a ok job but dirty job, I rent and I pretty much live pay check to pay check. Who was I kidding. ?? Can't say my accomplishments have been great nor that Im proud. 5 more years and Ill be 30, to me that sounds like its coming too fast and Im scattered to think I can improve and actually accomplish something inspiring ..! In a deeper thought I know I went threw a lot as a young teen, had no self worth, and no condifence. Now I think back now and think what dumb ass I was and what and whom I took for granted!! I do the minding think of the "IF ONLY" I did this and that etc etc..... Nether the less, I turned out ok, aka- I could of done a lot better. !! I just hope the next 5 years are better and more productive.

Another lost on the 5th

Got some really bad news today, my mimi passed away. I was in shock when my mom told me.
October 5th the same day my grandmother passed away 2 years exactly.!!! My mimi was a wonderful lady, going to miss her greatly!! :(
So strange how death is something we barely talk about, and yet it happens every day , hours, minutes and seconds.
Brings family either closer and sometimes further away to each other. Everyone takes death differently, some cry alone, close up, never stop crying, some dont show any emotion at all. Always wonder what a person goes threw within the seconds they are going to pass. Do they feel pain? Is it scary or just so natural that death has no emotion at all???? I suppose its all in how we die? I can honestly say Im not afraid to die. Not that I want too anytime soon but I know one day (hopefully a long time from now) I will go. It's amazing how we tend to take what we have such as relationships we have with others for granted. How seeing someone everyday can be taken from us within seconds.
I still remember the feeling when I found the news that my grams passed. It was like my whole world stooped and I stood there speechless not being able to breath cry yet alone blink.
I was really close to her. When my papa passed about ten or so years ago now, I was really sad as well, but I was kinda young so it didnt have such a great in packed on me. Its strange how some people are harder to accept then others when someone you know passes.


I wrote a poem for my grandma and posted it

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Early October

check it out. My grandmother diied October 5th 2006.
and her mother dies October 5th 2008

A New Come Back??

So I notice that its been awhile since my last blog post...Oh wow JUNE? Im slacking hugely..Although not like people actually read em. Meh, life goes on, expect nothing and receive more . Oh boy Oh boy where to start. Since now its OCTOBER already. Yes, I say it OCTOBER! Where had this year gone? Since when getting older has added the lack of acknowledgment to time and it passing us bye. In fact I notice more so now that even in my day which goes by fast, I barely have time to do rather quick "" On my to do List"" which happens never to get done. LOL. Which if it does happen to magically successively get done, its been sitting there waiting to get accomplished! So like most things I'll ramble on do a few blogs here and there ( to make myself believe )that I have the motivation to actually do something on a more day to day time slot. Summer went bye too fact, and winter is coming near which Im not looking forward to it what so ever. Cold, wet, windy, hits your bones which reminds you how old your getting. LOL.
Yes, this year 25!!!!! Since when a number can mean so much shall I make a no deal or deal with my age? Think I may have to do something outrageously cleaver this year. Not sure what that will be yet, but definitely keep you posted!
Summer was alright though, did some camping, lots of beer drinking, low key nights had some life changing rearrangements so do speak was certainly fun, exciting, and worth it all. AH summer, what a beautiful thing. :)

One life One love

This is what I have for you
My love of my life...
looking back at my life as I lay in my bed.
I would never imagined myself to be so blessed
Someone I could love forever
Beyond and beside
You’re the first thing I think of when my day begins
And the last thing I think of when I fall asleep at night

And I won't hesitate to call you the one, love of my dreams
Cause when I need you, you’re just a phone call away
And your beautiful smile washes all my worries away
When I’m not with you I miss you ,cant wait to see you again
And how much you soothe my soul with a simple touch
You will never know just how much you mean to me
But I got the rest of my life just to help you see
I've only got one life, I can never have two
But as long as I’m alive, I wanna spend it with you

When I'm in your arms and I close my eyes
I wouldn’t care if the whole world just pass me by
Cause I live to make you happy, just to see you smile
Just to make you laugh, I love your style
Those late afternoons together when the sun just sets
To those early morning talks, you are the best
I’m so amazed at your sight, I ask questions too
Like how could a girl like me, deserve a guy like you

I feel so blessed but at the same time so unworthy
I trust you with my heart I know you won't hurt me
Everything about you is perfect, I love your lips
I love your smile, I cherish every hug and kiss

You’re my hope when I’m helpless, when its dark you’re the light
I gave you all that I had, and that is my love of my life
You’re so rare, sweet, cute, and loving too
I’m so privileged, just to call you boo
I would drop anything just to spend a second with you
I’ll be right here with you even if times get rough
Cause to me always you’re the definition of love
You won the key to my heart, only you can get in

I would do anything for you cause you’re so worth it
Looks are great but the personality so perfect
You’re my perfect match, my soul mate, my best friend
You’re my infinity, on a scale of 1-10
I mean every word that I say, just look in my eyes
The love that we share was never made to die
I just wanna make you happy, maybe that’s my goal
I’ll forever love you with all my heart and soul
Forever.
Someone I could love forever

I guess there is such a thing called HOPE

So recently things have been going pretty good. Work has been good. Although working full time has been great, I find myself more tired and counting on my days off. Suppose that is life though.
Money has been a lil tight , though I havent seen my full time check yet, so hopefully that will help:) Summer is FINALLY here and the weather has been great. Has rained a lot though but hot enough to wear my summer gear!!! I love the hot weather. Excited to do some summer things like camping and maybe some weekend trips. Rod and I have been doing great. I have some really life changing decisions to make. Funny how things come up when one has too many alcohol drinks! LOL. Last sunday him and I went to a mutual friend of ours, spent time drinking hangin out in their hot tub and what not. On our adventure back to my place, a lil tipsy on our bikes we had a real good conversation. Talked about moving in together!!! Yes, HUGE decision on my behave more so. I never had a room-mate nor ever lived with a boyfriend. Sure there's been times where ex bf's spent more time at my place then they did at their house but the point being we still had our own space and lived separately. Im really considering this option. Been thinking a lot about it, and making sure it's what I want right now. I would be giving a lot up, at least for me personally. Im not used to sharing " my time" so do speak, having someone live with me is something I dont even know I can do well. Though Im willing to see how it goes. With Rod its a hell of a lot different than any of my other bf's I had and have ever thought about us living together. I was really surprised when Rod said that he was ready and willing to move in. I want to make sure that it's something I really want to do though. So Im still taking the time and thinking/sorting things out. Though I do really want to know if him and I can live together without killing each other.LOL. I find myself now missing him when he is not in bed with me. This weekend was the test , I went out and he went home, I had to work the weekend so he didnt come over till sunday night. So therefore I spent Saturday night lying in bed alone I must admit was really strange. Woke up Sunday, I forgot he wasnt there. He has been spending the past week and half or so strictly at my place. Sleeping over EVER single night. Can honestly say we've never done that. I've been loving the time he's been spending here. Waking up to him every morning is something I can see myself doing!! He's great to me, we get along, love his company, going out with him even just spending a night in bed watching movies is something I've gotten use to. With that being said, I plan on going this week and getting him a key made. I dont know when we plan on actually moving in together but I pretty much made the decision that this is what I want. I really don't know if Rod is truly ready, I just hope he's not saying thinking that is what I want. I would be ok with it if he just wanted to take sometime and spend a bit alone in his own place. I know he's been thinking of moving out of Lino's and getting something of his own. Although I dont want him to feel pressured to move in. But Im pretty sure for my next blog I will have more news if not a huge blog written up..LOL..Till next time,

Friendships and all the Drama that goes with it...

Recently have been thinking a lot of my relationships with my friends. Seems like as we grow older, become more successful, personal love relationships become tighter, long hours at work, family struggles, and whatever else life throws at us- we tend to loose that great bond we all once had with our close friends. More and More you feel replaced, unappreciated, less important and frankly non-existent. Why is that? Why do we feel the need to replace lifes most treasures out the window when something we think that is new and more exciting. Sure we do have to separate our time and the way we use that time to good use, but why is it that some people dont make anytime at all? When before all the great jobs, the men/girls , life style changes, etc that even if there was something that we had to do, our friends came almost 1st and was almost most important relationship we had going on in our lives. That threw the hard times and good, our friends were always there for us getting us threw it. Sadly enough a lot of friendship don't survive just because we take them for granted and think that just canceling plans, not bothering to catch up, nor evening spending time together comes rarer and rarer.A lot of friendships are damaged by romantic relationships. I have a few friends that once they get a bf, I come less and less important and are only good enough when things are falling apart. We've all done it, canceled out on a good friend just to spend time with a new lover. Which is perfectly normal and its a fact of life. But when does canceling become too much? That spending time together is only going to happen when there's a fight, or the lover is doing something else that is when they decide that the friendship is important. Has anyone ever heard of balance? It's do-able to be in a romantic relationship, work full time, do whatever else that has to be done, and still be able to make quality with a friend. But I can guarantee that if they lost their job, had a fallin out with a lover, that you're the first person they call to get help from. Sure thats great, thats what friends are for, but its not the only thing they are good for. Romantic relationships come and go can always be replaced, jobs and careers can always be changed too, but good friends, are really hard to find when you have one. My love relationship is very important to me, but is it really worth loosing a good friend over when they we're there first? Not talking about marriage and family either. Just talking about every day dating. That is not a 100% guarantee that its going to even be long -term or not. Why do we feel the need to push away that at one time was most treasured thing in our lives with something that is not a sure thing if it will be there tomorrow or not. Friendships are the most important thing to have, we all need friends, even when your 60 friends are great to have. Although if you replace them with things that could change within hours, minutes and seconds you may just turn around one day seeking out their friendship and it will not be there. And do you really blame them?

One Pitcher, Two Pitchers, Three Pitchers of Beer

Well well, been awhile since my last update on this thing. Hurray hurraw! Things are looking a lot better. Went to New York had an absolutely fantastic time! Shopped, walked like I was on a marathon! Ate like no tomorrow, and never Drank so many times in a row!! I want to go there again, and Im so planing on it! Just wanted to get my New York update before I continued on. Work is going well, full time term for the summer, every other weekend off. Very Nice, smiles from ear to ear about that one! So this weekend was pretty LOW KEY, went out on Friday but thats pretty much it. Sunday was a while other day plan. LOL. Rod and I went out to a local pub we like to go to , hang out, drink beer, perhaps watch a game there. So with that all being said, we ended walking there, and walking home. Was a nice night out, and Im enjoyin EVERY minute of it!! So, we get there, we had a pitcher watched the game. Was nice to relax, chat a bit, blah blah.. Well one pitcher turned into TWO and Two turned into THREE!! Yes, we we're a lil buzzing..LOL. So as we ALL know when you start drinking, conversations that you don't usually have start, mind ya ALL THE TRUTH!! LOL. With that being said, we ended up talking about us, and some of the future stuff.. Alcohol can be a killer OR a nice deal breaker!! But this was a good convo, consider we never really talk about things like that. Moving in together, kids, marriage, past sex partners, lol (Yes I covered that one) I thought Hell, If Im going to be with this guy, I want to know that he was a normal guy and he wasnt sticking he's dick in everything and everyone! Number was normal, no freakadee shit, and not too many one night stands..Well all great check marks around,..LOL thank-goodness he didnt ask mine!! LOL..I kid I kid, my number isnt really that high. Well, at least I dont think so. Although I kinda wish we weren't drunk for this talk, but MEH I found out he's more into me than what I assumed. That he is in it for the long hall, and pretty much ready to settle down. Kinda got the picture he was just waiting for me, and How I felt about the whole future issue. I was honest though, mentioning sure I want too,, but not right at this point. He already knew that, but when the time comes it comes. I dont want to rush into anything, want to let it happen,.For me its a huge step considering I never had really lived with anyone. Sure I had past bf's stay over etc, but its different when you both have a place to crash separately! But than again when I think bout it, if just say in a month from now he asked me to marry him I really would say yes. Im not one of those girls who has a mission to get married and have kids. But if it happens, it happens. Im happy where Im at. Have a great boyfriend., kinda already consider us together together, dont need a ring to show it. Ill be honest sure I thought about what I want in my own wedding. Where it would be, how many ppl, the kind of dress, but at the same time its a huge life change for me. Im use to taking care of myself, doing everything alone. Living alone than living with someone takes time to adjust. But Im more than willing to take that change and make it out to be the best. Just thankful that I have to a great guy to do that with. Who knows what will happen but at this moment Im enjoying where Im at with him, we get along great, we think of each other, there is no self thought, we're too busy trying to make each other happy..LOL..that we forget about ourselves. Never really had that before. I give in and he always gives back more. We dont fight, which is great. Im sure in time we will, but I really dont think that it would ever be huge. Its been over a year, and we've had some problems here and there, nothing major or threating to our relationship at all, kinda made us stronger if you ask me. I can say that all I want is for him and I to be happy, I want to make him happy and would do almost anything for him.

Ups and Downs, Smiles And Frowns.

So its been awhile since I wrote anything on here. SORRY..Been out of it , nothing really to share Well, there is, but I'd rather not talk about it on here. So., with that being said, Im goin to NEW YORK tomorrow. I leave at like 1pm, I should be SO EXCITED to go, I know I know. I'am , but I just have so much on my mind right now it's hard to concentrate on the trip. See the thing is, my boyfriend and I (well this is only the way I feel) arent doing too well. I feel like we are just falling into a routine, the way we spend time, have sex, even how we communicate. Plus I found something(s)on my computer the other day, that for some reason I cant seem to get over. Not too sure if he was even on those sites (dating/single sites) He says no, but I just cant get pass it. Plus He has a friend that just recently ended a relationship and he seems to be seeking out a partner in crime to pick up women. Guess what, my bf is the one he is seeking too. I know I shouldnt be worried, but thats all I tend to think when and if he does go out with him. That he is picking up along with his friend or at least having interest(s) in other women. I have such a hard time trusting seems like its more of a hassle being in a relationship, I cause more harm then good. All Ive been doing to rethinking on what he'll be doing while Im out of town. He's buddy is all about picking up and pretty much getting laid. It's hard not to think about what situations he'll be in and if he can actually say no, and be actually thinking of me. He's not very open to me at all, though I will admit he has been a lot better since I talked to him on my feelings. Why do I feel like he is hiding something, that I can be easily replaced, I'm not afraid of commitment but I'm afraid that someone can't be completely committed to me. Lately (these past few months) I've been thinking of taking a break, and maybe not being in relationship possibly that will help me get over my trust issues. I think maybe when I got out of mine 2 and half year and then some relationship with my ex really FUCKED me over. Maybe I didn't take enough time to be alone and have sometime to myself. Though a second part of me feels that he is serious about me, and he wouldnt do anything like . That is it just my OWN insecurities just getting the best of me.
I don't want the world, I just want to feel like I'm important, needed, and wanted. Rather than just being there for he's lonely times. When he does come over, seems like all he does is SLEEP. Even with the sex, seems like I have to start it, and even than, he seems like he's not there. There other night we had a little mess up with him being able to (the best way to put it) perform. Got me thinking way too much!! Like is he if attracted to me?Im not sexy enough? That Im not even remotely cute enough for him to keep it up????..Made me feel like crap when that happen, and its not even the first time that this has happen. Of course We we're drinking a bit, and when I realized that he lost it, I kinda fell apart. With all the other things going on with us, that was the last thing I needed. So of course I started balling like a school girl. LOL. Sure enough he notice that I started crying when I said nothing was wrong. He tried to reassure me that it had nothing to do with me. That he loved me and he didn't want to see me cry. Sounds like a something that he thought I wanted to hear if you ask me. Of course he is going to say something like that.!!! So with that all being said, Im going to try not to think about it so much and have fun while Im In NEW YORK. Not everyday you get a chance to go there. Kinda wish that Ill be able to check out the clubs there, nightlife etc. But oh well. At least I get too see it. Another thing recently that kinda bothered me too, is that I dyed my hair. Got rid of blonde and you know he didnt even NOTICE at all,!! Wow, that made me feel so great about myself, like is he even Looking at me?? That he can't even notice my Hair Colour! I'm totally darker now, and he didnt even take a second glance at me.!!! But He'll notice any other Hot girl that happens to be on the computer and I dont want to even know what he does when a good looking girl walks by him! Sure Im sexy to him when he's had a few drinks and perhaps he catches other men looking at me. Than Im good for him. But other times. Im just there in the background and when He feels like it maybe he'll pay some attention to me. Seriously, Im not playing games like that, nor do I want to feel like Im always seeking out to be notice,

Wanna Do,,,Wanna Go,,,Should I go?

What you doing to me
I cant let you go
Even though you keeping me frustrated
It still feels so right
I try so hard not to be jaded
Every time you lie
Try so hard to
Get you off my mind
You know that I be running back to you
My love is blind
I know it this isn't right
He won more time
Like there's too much to leave behind
Want to move on
But I cant
No I just cant let you go
Cuz I been loving you too long
Take it back to how it was
You know I'm going crazy
I cant do this no more
I just cant let you go
I keep on coming back for more
Told myself now its over
But I still love ya
I cant let you go

I don't think time will ever make it
No matter how hard I try
But you convince im mistaken
When you go and do the things you
We used to do
That made me fall for you
Then you turn around
And say something
That proves me right
this aint right
I know I'm a fool
To think that I need you in my life
I should know better but
When im with you
I forget about the past
I know im just playin myself
But I don't care
I don't wanna let you go neither
When I get upset or frustrated